Why Can't You Be More Like Me?

When I was a kid, I had this friend.  I would go over and play at her house. We always had a good time together.  And if she's reading this, I hope she's not embarrassed or upset by what I'm about to say.  It's been weighing on me for years.

I was a regular at her house, and she was frequently over at my place.  Our parents knew each other.  We went to the same church.

One day, we were playing over at her house and her mother came home from work.  She immediately took notice of the dirty dishes in the sink and started berating her daughter, in front of me, for chores that weren't done, dishes that weren't clean, and as I watched I saw her shrink in on herself.  It was painful and embarrassing to witness.

It became more painful and embarrassing when the mother concluded with, "Why can't you be more like Rachel?"  and proceeded to compare us and detail all the ways her daughter fell short next to me.

Scratch that.  It wasn't painful and embarrassing.  It was awful.  For two reasons.  Because I had to stand there and watch my friend endure this verbal onslaught and because I was used as a measuring stick for one of my best friends.

I've never really hated anyone.  I believe in forgiveness, and I have forgiven that woman since that day.  I understand that people have shortcomings, and that this woman, in her great ignorance, was depleting her daughter's self worth and turning me into an enemy for one of my best friends.

But I've also never really liked that woman since.

Why am I telling this story?

Because I've heard parents do this.  Why can't you be more like your sister?  Why can't you be more like so and so's daughter?  Why can't you fix your hair like that girl, or wear makeup like that girl, or do this or do that like someone else?

And I want to say this.  Because it's important.

STOP.

If you love your kid, at all, STOP this harmful behavior RIGHT NOW.  You really don't realize the damage your words are doing.  Kids are kids.  They do fall short.  Because they're not done yet.  Because they're still learning.  Because they're still becoming.  Accept who they are, teach them gently and firmly what you need them to know, and STOP seeing their mistakes as a personal reflection of you.  Because I have to assume that any parent that does this, that becomes embarrassed when their child forgets something or makes an honest mistake, has a serious self-worth issue.  Stop thinking about all the ways you want your kid to improve, and start noticing the things they're good at, and TELL THEM.  You will be amazed at how they blossom under those kind words.

And as for my sweet friend, I wish I could tell her now, You are enough, you always were, and there is no one on earth quite like you.