So, I've read about this from other "autism" moms and dads, but today it finally happened to me. I took all of my kids to the store with me (all four of them...I know...what the?) Anyhow...we were done. We were done and it was time to check out (except I checked out a long time ago!)...and Logan did it. He did the "I'm going to lay down on the floor in the middle of the aisle and you can't make me get up" thing. For starters, the only reason Logan goes to the store with me is because a) he wants to look at a vacuum cleaner b)he might receive a vacuum cleaner or c) (and this is rare) he really wants to get out of the house. Today, it was a or b. We did look at the vacuums. We said hello to our friends Dyson, Bissell, and Electrolux. We did not bring one of these friends home with us. And we made our way to the registers. Well, Logan got upset, I guess because he didn't get what he wanted or whatever, maybe he was tired...and he laid down in the middle of the main aisle in Wal Mart.
Logan is a very strong child. Strong for his age, so strong I can barely pull him along when he is resistant. I marched right over to him, said, "Get up off that floor right now." Grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the cart, placed his hand on the cart and said, "Don't ever do that again. Keep your hand on the cart." And we got our stuff and left. In the midst of this little melee, my shoe came off, people skirted around us and whispered, and I questioned if indeed there was a purpose for my being on the planet other than to provide amusement for other people.
These things are the not so fun side of autism. The weird behaviors that cause people to stare or frown or shake their heads at you because you must be some sort of horrible parent if your child is acting that way. You start to feel...well...like a sideshow.
You know, those carnival sideshows? There was the bearded lady. The camel girl. The elephant man. The man with two you-know-whats. Sword swallowers and fire breathers and people who nap on a bed of nails and people who throw knives. How do people behave at sideshows? They are oddly fascinated by what they're seeing. It's a feeling of ghastly fascination mixed in with relief that such a fate has befallen someone else and not you. People are entertained by what they're seeing. It's a diversion from the normal. Do they want to look at it all day? No, they do not. I can imagine someone staring at the fire-breather," Oh wow...I don't know how you do it. Are you okay? That must hurt! Can I do anything? Okay, then. Bye." I get the same thing from some people. "Oh, wow. I don't know how you do it. You must be so stressed. Can I do anything? Are you okay? Still breathing? Okay, then. Back to the main show."
You may think I sound bitter. I'm not..if you hear anything at all, it's frustration. Every day I hear some sort of complaint from a friend or relative about something. How their kids annoyed them. How they don't have enough money. How work is driving them nuts. How awful their lives are. And I think, my gosh. My gosh, you don't know how to see what you really have. To such people, I want to take my shoes off and say, "Try them on for a while. Walk around a bit. Then we can talk."
Everyone has their own challenges and I think God sends us trials that are uniquely fitted to us and our situations. He knows what we can handle, and what we can't, and what may be a piece of cake for one person may be the limit for someone else. For some people, life is one long dance and for someone else, it's just a constant climb. I beg forgiveness of my friends if they've ever thought I'm callous or uncaring when they've brought their problems to me. I forget sometimes, what it's like, to be bedeviled by a mundane problem and have that be the extent of my issues.
I will never grow a beard or throw a knife. I will never breath fire or bend my knees backward like the camel girl. I will raise four children. Then I may take a nap. On a bed of nails or anyplace where I can finally lie down.
