Today as I sat in the chapel of our church building, I listened to a friend give a talk about special children. He related the story of his own son...and went on to talk about how he struggled with the question of "why?"
No one plans to have a special needs child...I have said before...unless they adopt one, and then those who do that are a very rare and special breed of people. So when you are faced with the devastating news that your child is not going to be like other children, ever...in fact, your child is going to remain, in a sense, a child, throughout their entire life...the inevitable question that comes to mind is almost always the question of "Why?"
I can't speak for other parents of special children. I can only speak about my own situation. For myself, as we processed the news that Logan was autistic and as it became apparent that he had some severe behavioral and communication challenges, I did ask a lot of "whys". "Why is he like this? Why can't we have a 'normal' child? Why do we have to deal with this? Why can't he get better? Why did God send him to ME? Why are we in this situation?" Followed by: "Did I do this to him? Is it something I did wrong? Did he eat something that affected his brain? Did I not pay enough attention to him as a baby? Was it, in fact, a vaccination that caused this? Did I put too much sunscreen on him?"
Ridiculous theories. I know that, now. But when you're faced with this sort of challenge, you want answers. And here is what I've learned, over the course of eight years, almost nine. As a member of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have a deep and abiding love for my Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, and for my Father in heaven. I know that before I was born upon this earth, into a mortal body, I lived as a spirit with Him. I made the decision, myself, to come to earth, be born to earthly parents, and experience love and hope, anger, sadness, pain, faith, happiness....in the school of mortal life I knew I would get to learn many things through trials that Heavenly Father allowed me to pass through. I also know that I am not alone on this journey. God is there, watching out for me, His daughter, and He is just a prayer away. He knew that I would have Logan. He knew that I was capable of raising this child. What makes it more comforting for me is that LOGAN also made these decisions for himself. He chose to come to earth this way. I look forward to the day when the veil is rent in twain and I can meet my son again in that life, and be reminded of who he really was before he came here. Logan made the same choices I did. And he is not just my son. He belongs to God, and God gave him to me to take care of.
So..as to the question of "why".... why is Logan like this? The physical reason is unanswerable at this time. We still don't know what causes autism. The eternal reason is because he was capable of it. Of living a life with this type of challenge. Perhaps, like my friend's son, he is here to help teach people...to make others aware of differences, of how to treat people who have those differences, and to test us all...how well will we treat Logan and others like him, how well can we relate to them, serve them, love them, reach out to them and their families? As to why I have to go through this and not someone else...everyone does have trials. Some appear to be greater than others...in fact, I had another mom with a child on the spectrum tell me that my situation was harder to deal with than hers. How could she know? I think she understands. But I would love to tell her that just because someone else seems worse off than you, does not in any way minimize or make less the challenges that you are facing. What is difficult and overwhelming for one person is cake for another. It just depends on who you are.
In the end I've decided that ultimately the answer to the question "why" doesn't matter. It doesn't change Logan, and it will not make a difference to me...and if I asked God why, I think He would answer, Because I love you, and one day, in this life or the next, you will have all the answers.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Three Things
My husband has a little phrase he used to say..."You go into marriage with both eyes open, then you go through marriage with one eye closed."
Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder, or just raising children...it can take a toll on marriage. The usual challenges are there...exhaustion, lack of time, inability to focus on your spouse because your offspring require so much attention, not being able to carry on a conversation because of constant interruptions, the changes you go through as you become a parent and raise children. You grow in one direction and your spouse may grow in another. Sometimes you won't be on the same page. Sometimes you will feel that your spouse has no understanding of how you feel on any given day. You will feel unappreciated by said spouse. Some days you will barely look at each other, or you'll be so tired all you can do is grunt. With an autistic child, these challenges are multiplied by (pick a number higher than 100). It doesn't matter how much more, really...just know that it is much, much more difficult to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a disabled child. Does that make any marital problems you experience the fault of those children, disabled or no? No, it does not. It's just part of the territory.
So what is the best thing you can do for your marriage, in the midst of child rearing, baby wrangling, or dealing with ASD in one of your children?
Stop keeping score.
Stop tallying up all of the minute things your spouse did wrong. Stop keeping track of the things they do that you don't think are quite right. Did you take out the trash five times and they didn't lift a finger? Forgive them. Did you run the kids back and forth to school while they slept in? Let them sleep. Did they forget something that caused you to have to do extra work or run an extra errand? Fuhgettaboutit.
Let the little things go, because for every little thing they let slide, or don't do the way you think they need to, I promise you, so have you.
So you're going to try to stop keeping score. That's wonderful. It takes away stress. A marriage should be a place where you feel safe. Safe to vent your feelings in a reasonable manner. Safe to express your opinions without someone slapping you down. Safe to have a bad day and know that even if you did have a bad day or you weren't your best self, the person you're married to still loves you anyway. So what's the next thing you can do?
Stop carrying heavy things.
What are heavy things? Heavy things are grudges. Things like, Twenty years ago, you forgot to pick me up on this date, and you left me waiting at such and such place...or Five years ago, you embarrassed me in front of my boss...or You forgot our anniversary. Again. Don't dig up old crap and serve it to your honey for breakfast. Old stuff is old stuff...stop renewing it. Every time you bring it up, you reopen an old wound, you add fuel to a fire...you damage your relationship. Let stuff go. There is a little quote that I love. It says, "Eternity is made of nows." So, someone screwed up, maybe badly...fine. Did you talk about it? Did you try to resolve it? Have they tried to fix it? Have you? If the answer is yes, move on, and focus on NOW. What are you doing NOW to get closer to your sweetheart, what are you doing NOW to help them understand that yes, you still love them, you are still there for them, and you always will be?
And the last thing. Perhaps one of the most important things.
Don't assume.
Sometimes if you've been married for a while, you assume that your spouse knows you so well that they can just read your mind, or that they understand you enough to know what you mean, blah blah blah. Don't assume that your honey knows that you love them. Well, I'm here, aren't I? Well, of course I love you, don't you know that? Why do I have to say that? People ALWAYS need to hear "I love you". They always need to feel it, they always need to know it. Find ways to let them know. And if something is on your mind, don't assume your spouse gets you well enough to know what it is. Women are bad about this. The man will say, "What's wrong?" and the woman will say, "Nothing", then get mad because the man doesn't just understand what pissed her off in the first place. I mean, to us women, it's so obvious, right? It's so obvious, sometimes we can't believe the man doesn't just smack into it, it's staring us right in the face, so it must be staring him in the face too, right? NO! It doesn't work like that. Go to the person you love. Sit down with them. Pick a time when things are calm and free of distraction, and say, "Something's on my mind and I want to talk with you about it." Notice I said "talk with you" not "talk at you". That's a key difference.
I just want to end this particular entry by saying how grateful I am for my own husband. I am under no illusions...the stress of raising an autistic child is not exclusive to just me. He lifts a lot of that burden. He provides a calming influence for our children, and for myself. His sense of humor has provided relief for me on more times than I can count. And his compassion for me, and for our children, has sometimes just melted my heart. I'm grateful for him, I love him, and I'm thankful that he keeps one eye closed.
Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder, or just raising children...it can take a toll on marriage. The usual challenges are there...exhaustion, lack of time, inability to focus on your spouse because your offspring require so much attention, not being able to carry on a conversation because of constant interruptions, the changes you go through as you become a parent and raise children. You grow in one direction and your spouse may grow in another. Sometimes you won't be on the same page. Sometimes you will feel that your spouse has no understanding of how you feel on any given day. You will feel unappreciated by said spouse. Some days you will barely look at each other, or you'll be so tired all you can do is grunt. With an autistic child, these challenges are multiplied by (pick a number higher than 100). It doesn't matter how much more, really...just know that it is much, much more difficult to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a disabled child. Does that make any marital problems you experience the fault of those children, disabled or no? No, it does not. It's just part of the territory.
So what is the best thing you can do for your marriage, in the midst of child rearing, baby wrangling, or dealing with ASD in one of your children?
Stop keeping score.
Stop tallying up all of the minute things your spouse did wrong. Stop keeping track of the things they do that you don't think are quite right. Did you take out the trash five times and they didn't lift a finger? Forgive them. Did you run the kids back and forth to school while they slept in? Let them sleep. Did they forget something that caused you to have to do extra work or run an extra errand? Fuhgettaboutit.
Let the little things go, because for every little thing they let slide, or don't do the way you think they need to, I promise you, so have you.
So you're going to try to stop keeping score. That's wonderful. It takes away stress. A marriage should be a place where you feel safe. Safe to vent your feelings in a reasonable manner. Safe to express your opinions without someone slapping you down. Safe to have a bad day and know that even if you did have a bad day or you weren't your best self, the person you're married to still loves you anyway. So what's the next thing you can do?
Stop carrying heavy things.
What are heavy things? Heavy things are grudges. Things like, Twenty years ago, you forgot to pick me up on this date, and you left me waiting at such and such place...or Five years ago, you embarrassed me in front of my boss...or You forgot our anniversary. Again. Don't dig up old crap and serve it to your honey for breakfast. Old stuff is old stuff...stop renewing it. Every time you bring it up, you reopen an old wound, you add fuel to a fire...you damage your relationship. Let stuff go. There is a little quote that I love. It says, "Eternity is made of nows." So, someone screwed up, maybe badly...fine. Did you talk about it? Did you try to resolve it? Have they tried to fix it? Have you? If the answer is yes, move on, and focus on NOW. What are you doing NOW to get closer to your sweetheart, what are you doing NOW to help them understand that yes, you still love them, you are still there for them, and you always will be?
And the last thing. Perhaps one of the most important things.
Don't assume.
Sometimes if you've been married for a while, you assume that your spouse knows you so well that they can just read your mind, or that they understand you enough to know what you mean, blah blah blah. Don't assume that your honey knows that you love them. Well, I'm here, aren't I? Well, of course I love you, don't you know that? Why do I have to say that? People ALWAYS need to hear "I love you". They always need to feel it, they always need to know it. Find ways to let them know. And if something is on your mind, don't assume your spouse gets you well enough to know what it is. Women are bad about this. The man will say, "What's wrong?" and the woman will say, "Nothing", then get mad because the man doesn't just understand what pissed her off in the first place. I mean, to us women, it's so obvious, right? It's so obvious, sometimes we can't believe the man doesn't just smack into it, it's staring us right in the face, so it must be staring him in the face too, right? NO! It doesn't work like that. Go to the person you love. Sit down with them. Pick a time when things are calm and free of distraction, and say, "Something's on my mind and I want to talk with you about it." Notice I said "talk with you" not "talk at you". That's a key difference.
I just want to end this particular entry by saying how grateful I am for my own husband. I am under no illusions...the stress of raising an autistic child is not exclusive to just me. He lifts a lot of that burden. He provides a calming influence for our children, and for myself. His sense of humor has provided relief for me on more times than I can count. And his compassion for me, and for our children, has sometimes just melted my heart. I'm grateful for him, I love him, and I'm thankful that he keeps one eye closed.
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