Three Things

My husband has a little phrase he used to say..."You go into marriage with both eyes open, then you go through marriage with one eye closed."

Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder, or just raising children...it can take a toll on marriage.  The usual challenges are there...exhaustion, lack of time, inability to focus on your spouse because your offspring require so much attention, not being able to carry on a conversation because of constant interruptions, the changes you go through as you become a parent and raise children. You grow in one direction and your spouse may grow in another.  Sometimes you won't be on the same page.  Sometimes you will feel that your spouse has no understanding of how you feel on any given day.  You will feel unappreciated by said spouse. Some days you will barely look at each other, or you'll be so tired all you can do is grunt.  With an autistic child, these challenges are multiplied by (pick a number higher than 100).  It doesn't matter how much more, really...just know that it is much, much more difficult to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a disabled child.  Does that make any marital problems you experience the fault of those children, disabled or no?  No, it does not.  It's just part of the territory.

So what is the best thing you can do for your marriage, in the midst of child rearing, baby wrangling, or dealing with ASD in one of your children?

Stop keeping score.

Stop tallying up all of the minute things your spouse did wrong.  Stop keeping track of the things they do that you don't think are quite right.  Did you take out the trash five times and they didn't lift a finger? Forgive them.  Did you run the kids back and forth to school while they slept in?  Let them sleep.  Did they forget something that caused you to have to do extra work or run an extra errand? Fuhgettaboutit.
Let the little things go, because for every little thing they let slide, or don't do the way you think they need to, I promise you, so have you.

So you're going to try to stop keeping score.  That's wonderful.  It takes away stress.  A marriage should be a place where you feel safe.  Safe to vent your feelings in a reasonable manner.  Safe to express your opinions without someone slapping you down.  Safe to have a bad day and know that even if you did have a bad day or you weren't your best self, the person you're married to still loves you anyway.  So what's the next thing you can do?

Stop carrying heavy things.

What are heavy things?  Heavy things are grudges.  Things like, Twenty years ago, you forgot to pick me up on this date, and you left me waiting at such and such place...or Five years ago, you embarrassed me in front of my boss...or You forgot our anniversary.  Again.  Don't dig up old crap and serve it to your honey for breakfast.  Old stuff is old stuff...stop renewing it.  Every time you bring it up, you reopen an old wound, you add fuel to a fire...you damage your relationship. Let stuff go. There is a little quote that I love.  It says, "Eternity is made of nows."  So, someone screwed up, maybe badly...fine.  Did you talk about it?  Did you try to resolve it?  Have they tried to fix it?  Have you?  If the answer is yes, move on, and focus on NOW.  What are you doing NOW to get closer to your sweetheart, what are you doing NOW to help them understand that yes, you still love them, you are still there for them, and you always will be?

And the last thing.  Perhaps one of the most important things.

Don't assume.

Sometimes if you've been married for a while, you assume that your spouse knows you so well that they can just read your mind, or that they understand you enough to know what you mean, blah blah blah. Don't assume that your honey knows that you love them.  Well, I'm here, aren't I?  Well, of course I love you, don't you know that?  Why do I have to say that?  People ALWAYS need to hear "I love you".  They always need to feel it, they always need to know it.  Find ways to let them know.  And if something is on your mind, don't assume your spouse gets you well enough to know what it is.  Women are bad about this.  The man will say, "What's wrong?"  and the woman will say, "Nothing", then get mad because the man doesn't just understand what pissed her off in the first place.  I mean, to us women, it's so obvious, right?  It's so obvious, sometimes we can't believe the man doesn't just smack into it, it's staring us right in the face, so it must be staring him in the face too, right?  NO!  It doesn't work like that.  Go to the person you love.  Sit down with them.  Pick a time when things are calm and free of distraction, and say, "Something's on my mind and I want to talk with you about it."  Notice I said "talk with you" not "talk at you".  That's a key difference.

I just want to end this particular entry by saying how grateful I am for my own husband.  I am under no illusions...the stress of raising an autistic child is not exclusive to just me.  He lifts a lot of that burden.  He provides a calming influence for our children, and for myself.  His sense of humor has provided relief for me on more times than I can count.  And his compassion for me, and for our children, has sometimes just melted my heart.  I'm grateful for him, I love him, and I'm thankful that he keeps one eye  closed.