Total bucket list item.

Happy Halloween, y'all!  This is my favorite holiday, besides Christmas! I'll never forget the year my mom said I could dress up like Wonder Woman.  I was so excited!  I was in 3rd grade, maybe?  Second?  And I was mad when I saw the costume because it was just a little jumpsuit you pulled on.  There was no magical lasso or bustier.  Oh, well.  The excuse was, It's too cold outside for a bustier.  

Anyhow, here I am with my own little hooligan, about to go around our wonderful neighborhood in search of candy.  It's the beginning of the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.  Everything good comes starting today.  To paraphrase Logan, After Halloween, can eat Thanksgiving!

A Clarification

Someone asked me a question this evening regarding my quote about narcissism, so I will just put this out there.

I am a psychology student, so part of what I do is study various disorders.  In particular, abnormal psychology is fascinating to me, because it involves such varied disorders that we still don't know as much about as we could.

The quote regarding triangulation particularly hit home for me because it's personal.  I have been in a relationship before where this was done, and where I felt abandoned, and felt like I needed to constantly seek reassurance.  It was, to be blunt, a nightmare, and I thought that if I suffered enough, I would "earn" what I wanted, which was approval, affection, acceptance, time, whatever.  But in a real relationship, if someone really loves you, none of these things should be contingent on suffering.  These things are supposed to be freely given.  If someone really loves you.

The problem with narcissism, or any personality disorder, is that it can only be diagnosed by a professional psychologist or psychiatrist.  So, while that particular quote was not meant to diagnose anyone, it was meant to say, hey, this hits close to home.  It's actually very dangerous to assume that someone has a disorder like this, because there are so many other things that these kinds of behaviors can be ascribed to.  However, in the course of my reading I've come to understand this:  If you are a narcissist, then you know you are, you think you are the cat's pajamas, and us poor unfortunate souls just haven't become as enlightened about your grand and awesome persona as you are. You also know that you're arrogant and you don't care.

Sometimes it can take someone years to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.  I'm one of those people.  And I know I'm not the only one.  You can waste years, or decades, trying to please someone or keep them in your life, worrying that saying the wrong thing or speaking your mind about your very justifiable feelings will mess things up, but if you have to worry about any of this stuff, then trust me, that person is not for you. What I've learned is that love is not made of anger, rejection, manipulation, or possession. It's not selfish or greedy. Love thinks of the other person first.  Love really is kind and all-encompassing, love is forgiving, and above all else, love allows you to be yourself and express your pain, your sorrows, your hopes, and your dreams. Sometimes, we make terrible mistakes, and we hurt the people we love most.  You can't go back and undo it.  You can, however, forgive yourself, and choose not to be the person you were. It's very easy to look at the people closest to you in life and blame them for your own behaviors.  I'm guilty of this. A lot of people do this. But no one owns your behavior, or your choices, but yourself, and that is a hard truth that not everyone can face.

See Texas Penal Code 42.07

About a month ago, a man sent me a friend request on Facebook. I had never seen nor heard of this man before and we had no "friends" in common. I sent a quick message:  "Do we know each other?"

At the time, my real estate license was still active.  I thought perhaps someone had referred him, or it was a mistake.

His response was, No, darling, but I want to be friends with you.

I said, hey, I'm married, I don't know you, sorry.  And he apologized and that was the end of it.

I thought.

Last night around 330am, this man (more than a month later), sent a very obscene message to me.  I responded by blocking him completely, making my husband aware of it, and reporting him to Facebook.

I still feel upset. And kind of scared, because he waited a month before contacting me again, which means he's been somewhere, thinking of me, thinking of doing this, which makes me even more angry. I know that there are a lot of sick people out there, unbalanced people, people who think that it's okay to cross boundaries and completely ignore the requests of women who ask to be left alone.  Sometimes, people want what they want, and they don't care who they hurt or what rules get broken in order to get it.

But it makes me angry.  To be ignored, to have my feelings run over, to be treated like an amusement or source of entertainment.  And I am only one of thousands of women who have to put up with this.  We all have to.  The stupid comments, the innuendos, the jokes, remarks about our figures, the unwanted gestures and come-ons.  And if we go beyond polite to forceful in standing up for ourselves, guess what?  Suddenly, we are cold, we are bitches, we won't "play".  Some men don't handle rejection well, and some lack the simple understanding that women are also people, and that we like to be treated in a civil, respectful manner just as much as our male counterparts.  It's not even about being a female.  It's about wanting to be respected as a person.

But too many men either don't understand this or don't think it's important, and they continue to do what the man last night did to me: cross boundaries, create uncomfortable and scary situations, and remind us that being a woman in today's world is still fraught with complications created by those who should be standing next to us and enforcing social niceties that seem to have gone the way of the dodo.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of good, decent men out there. I am married to one of them.  But my experience reminds me that not all men are created equal.  So what would I tell this man, or any man, who thinks that these kinds of actions are fun, or entertaining?

First of all, that you could be breaking the law. See Texas Penal Code 42.07.  

That you're not funny, or cute, and that purposely annoying a woman, doing things she's asked you not to do, making obscene suggestions, even in jest, is the quickest way to get on that woman's shit list.  Especially if that woman is me.

No means NO.  Even if the woman said yes in the past, she's still allowed to say no later. End of story.

If a woman says, don't text me, don't call me, don't whatever is making her uncomfortable, do the right thing, put your personal feelings aside, and listen to what she's asking.  Ignoring her requests becomes annoying, then it becomes harassment.  And you don't want to go there.

  

"Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things." - (Saeed, Kim, 02 July 2016, "Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times)

Interesting. 

Don't Be Transient

I am, by nature, an impatient person.  I can be incredibly patient with people, especially people who have disabilities, or people who are struggling in some form or fashion.  But I am not patient with situations.  Especially situations that involve me.

I finished at Hill College about a year ago and earned an Associate's degree.  Before that was earned, I had already applied at Tarleton and started working on  Bachelor of Science in Psychology.  No big deal, I was told.  You can go to both at once.  This is called being a "transient student".

Graduation time rolled around at  Hill College, and I was asked to specify if I would be attending graduation or not.  I said no.  At the time, too much was going on in our house.

My diploma for my Associate's degree in Early Childhood Ed never showed up.  Want to know why?

Because Hill College put a hold on my record.  Even though I earned the degree and fulfilled all its requirements, they put a hold on it because they wanted my records from Tarleton.

Tarleton never sent it.

Instead, Tarleton put a hold on my record there because they needed my transcript from Hill.

Both colleges, both putting holds on my records, me unable to graduate from one nor register for more classes at the other,  unable to request transcripts from either one because both of them have holds on my records.

Frustrating, no?

I finally was able to talk one of them into submitting a transcript for the other one, and they agreed to do it...grudgingly.  And while I was happy that they were able to take care of it, I am still a little miffed that a student would get treated that way.  Had I known that it would be such a pain in the ass to get this taken care of, I wouldn't have attended both at the same time.  If anyone is considering doing this, going to two places at once, I would tell them, no, don't do it, because it's not worth the headache.  It will, in the long run, help me get finished sooner at Tarleton, but a student shouldn't have to beg for records that belong to them in the first place, and that they, in essence, paid for.

In short, don't be transient.

I Wish I'd Met You 20 Years Ago

 

I didn't finish school over twenty years ago because I was young and stupid and made a lot of really stupid decisions.  I didn't know what I wanted to do and everything sounded interesting.

I was a leaf on the wind.  Blowing wherever the hell the wind decided to blow me, which was in whatever direction it fancied at the time.

I'm experiencing a lot of frustration right now.  I'm five classes away from a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.  And I keep ruminating about that time, twenty years ago, and thinking, should have gone to med school.  Should have gone to med school.

In my experience, the only thing that can be gained from examining the past is a greater understanding of self.  Looking at decisions we made and figuring out why we made them can lead us to greater clarity in regard to our own personality and why we do the things we do.  Certainly, that's true for me.  But it's not really beneficial to look at the past and berate yourself all over again for something that you probably weren't ready to do in the first place.

I can speak with authority and say that twenty+ years ago, I was not the person I am today. (I'm vastly different from the person I was five years ago, too, so there's also that.) I had so much growing to do.  My priorities were different.  And the important lessons that Logan would teach me hadn't happened yet...I hadn't even met Logan's father at that point.  But do I look at psychiatrists now and think, I wish I'd met this career twenty years ago?

All the damn time.

I have many friends who tell me to do it anyway.  I do the math and think about how much more school that would entail and I feel tired.  Yet there is something to be said for finding the field that you just magically fit into, that gives you something that you didn't have before. 

Life is short.  It's too short to hold grudges, however much someone may deserve that from you.  It's too short to waste on things that suck you dry, or make you miserable. It's too short to not grab it with both hands and wring every last bit of ever-lovin' juice out of it.  It's too short.  And I wish that I could have those years back, but maybe, just maybe we all end up, exactly where we're supposed to be, at exactly the right time.

 

-David Allen

Time to Om!

Some of my All Together family reads this blog, so here is a quick reminder: Tuesday, October 25, we will be meeting at the Yoga Room on S Ridgeway. This is a special, private session just for us conducted by the amazing Pennie Roof. It will last from 645-800pm. If you've never done yoga before, no worries! This session will focus on very basic poses, breathing, and relaxation and stress reduction. If you don't have a mat, again, no worries, the studio has them. Wear comfortable clothing that you can bend and stretch in, shirts that will not ride up when you bend over. Also a quick FYI: Due to the nature of this meeting and the purpose behind it, please make arrangements for someone to watch your children. This session is for YOU, the parents. If you are coming, please PM me so I can get a head count. See you there!

Losing People

Did you ever have a friend that you were so close to, you could finish each other's sentences?  This friend, you trusted them so much that you told them everything about you.  Everything.  You loved them so much you would have given them a kidney, or robbed a bank with them (or at least provided the alibi), and you could talk for hours.

I had a friend like that, once.

My mother did, too.  On Saturday we went to a memorial service for a very close family friend.  People grieve in different ways and I've found that the way I grieve is to either get angry or just avoid it altogether.  So yesterday, I warned my mother in the car, I'm sorry, but I feel really upset and I don't know why. I feel like punching something.  She warned me not to break anything and we got in the car and drove.

I'm not used to accepting certain feelings, I guess.  But, psychobabble aside, we went to the memorial and heard what we already knew: how generous she was, how kind, how busy and dedicated, how up until the very last days of her life, she was doing something for someone else.  She was always happy, always in a good mood, with a big laugh and a story to tell.  I will miss her.  We all will.

I hate losing people.  Sometimes, you lose people because they simply don't want to be in your life any more.  Maybe it's too complicated, or they moved on to something better.  Maybe the friendship meant more to you than it did to them.  Maybe they moved away. Maybe circumstances changed and that made sustaining the friendship too hard.  Maybe they died.

Any way it happens, it's painful, and sometimes, you never get over it. Ever.  No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you remind yourself that they might actually be doing you a favor by being absent from your life, or that it was just time for them to go, you never get over it, and it just hurts.  Forever.  And you have these regrets.  You wish you could go backwards, and spend one more day with that person.  Tell them things you wish you had told them.  You wish that you hadn't gotten angry so much, or that you had made different decisions in the first place.  You wish that you could have handled that friendship differently, or not met them at all.  You wish you had treasured more the time you had with them. Some days you feel so angry. Other days you don't think of them at all. Above all else, sometimes you wish you had never given so much of yourself away, because people always leave, however they leave, and when they do, you've got one more empty, painful space.

Dawn wasn't like that.

My earliest memory of Dawn was being picked up from elementary school in her VW bug.  My mother was out of town for a week.  I don't remember where she went or why.  I remember that the VW was old and it was strange, riding in the back of it, and I had a vague memory of my mother saying that it guzzled oil.  But Dawn was picking me up and that was just cool, because she was the awesome aunt I never had.

I remember asking her for chocolate milk. She said no.  So I got mad and tried to make some anyway, but I ended up pouring the Nesquik into a glass of water.  I had to admit what I did.  She did an affectionate "I told you so" and we poured it down the sink.  I didn't get in trouble.

I wanted to set up a lemonade stand in the front yard.  She didn't think that was safe. She made me set it up in the backyard.  I remember that the grass was really thick and green, and the weather was nice, and no one wanted to buy lemonade from a little girl in a backyard!

I would hear stories about her and she would come and go over the years. There were long phone calls between her and my mom, with mom sitting on the floor, twirling the phone cord between her fingers, and me, fidgeting because I needed something from mom right then.

And then it came time for me to go to college.  And all of the sudden Dawn was back, and she had a room she was going to rent out to me.  I remember the move in date.  I drove up to Denton and walked up the sidewalk to the townhouse and saw her coming towards me. She looked up and said, "Oh, is that today?  I'm going to South America. Here's the key, don't worry about the cat!"

And that's how she was.  She was always thinking, always traveling or doing some adventure, and I loved her, and I was a spoiled brat during my first go at college and she knew it and loved me anyway, probably because she understood, better than I did, how complicated my life was.  My dad had just left and met someone, I was away from home for the first time, and I was a wreck and didn't know it.  I think she knew, and she was patient and understanding during a time when I didn't realize I needed it.

Someone at church gave a talk two Sundays ago. It was my friend, Courtney Coates.  And I'm paraphrasing, but he said that the only way we could lose people was if they made bad choices, and strayed away from what they knew was right and true.  So we haven't really lost her.  We just weren't expecting her to leave so soon.

And that's good, because losing people really sucks, and I don't think I could handle any more loss in my life right now.

How it Really Is

I have to write about this now, because there are too many people that I love who are touched by this.

Anxiety.

Even the word makes me tense up.

Today I had a family member who went to school and experienced a prolonged panic attack.  She finally went to the nurse's station when the panic reached its peak and she felt like she couldn't breathe.  The nurse at this school said:

*You are choosing to act like this.

*If you don't go to class you won't graduate and you will not succeed in life.

*You are choosing not to breathe through your nose.  (FYI, this family member had a sinus infection to boot).

It really appalled me how off the mark this nurse was.  Even more appalling was the fact that a school nurse, in a school with a population of 1700 students, didn't have a clue about the way anxiety works, or what happens to a person physically and emotionally when they experience a panic attack.

Let's look at it this way.

What are you the most afraid of?  Picture it in your head.  It can be anything. Spiders, snakes, creepy old men, clowns (sorry, had to throw that one in), public speaking, being alone, heights, whatever.  Picture the thing in your head that induces the most panic and aversion for you.  Do you have that picture?  Good.  Now I'm going to tell you this:

Hey, reader, that thing you're picturing?  You are choosing to be afraid of it.  You are choosing to be afraid of clowns, or spiders, or whatever.  So this is your fault, because it's your personal choice.  You could get over it if you wanted to.

Doesn't make much sense, does it?

We don't choose to be afraid of something.  Fear is a natural chemical reaction that happens in our brains.  Ever hear of the fight or flight mechanism?  This is related to it.

People with anxiety have brains that are in a constant state of arousal. They are always considering the what ifs. Throw their schedule out of sync, present them with an unknown, and it gets worse.

People with anxiety do not choose to be anxious any more than you choose to be afraid of whatever it is you're afraid of.  Because anxiety is related to chemical processes in the brain and particular thought processes, anxiety is not something that can just be shut off.  This is why there are medications to help people regulate anxiety.  Notice I said regulate.  There are also therapies, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, that can teach people different ways to think about situations, if they are engaging in self-destructive or negative thought processes.

But no, they do not choose to be anxious, and telling someone in the throes of a panic attack that they are going to fail at something will only induce more anxiety. And that doesn't make a lot of sense either.  If someone was in the middle of a heart attack, would you berate them about eating too much bacon and tell them that they were never going to be able to run a marathon?  No.  There's a time and place for everything.  The middle of a crisis is not the time or the place.

It's my wish that anyone who has any kind of interaction with someone who has an anxiety disorder educate themselves about it.  It's not hard.  Google it.  Read up on it.  Go to www.themighty.com and read some personal stories from first person points of view.  But for crying out loud, don't punish the one who suffers.  Don't assume anything until you get all the facts. Dealing with the world may seem cut and dried to you, and if you're that kind of person, then God bless you and may you give thanks forever because you have it easy.  There are people out there who don't function that way, and who cannot think that way, and some things that wouldn't challenge you are the worst kind of challenge to them. So wise up, do your research, and show some compassion.  It will pay off one day. 

Interesting.

Some people surprise you in good ways.

Some, not so much.