A Clarification

Someone asked me a question this evening regarding my quote about narcissism, so I will just put this out there.

I am a psychology student, so part of what I do is study various disorders.  In particular, abnormal psychology is fascinating to me, because it involves such varied disorders that we still don't know as much about as we could.

The quote regarding triangulation particularly hit home for me because it's personal.  I have been in a relationship before where this was done, and where I felt abandoned, and felt like I needed to constantly seek reassurance.  It was, to be blunt, a nightmare, and I thought that if I suffered enough, I would "earn" what I wanted, which was approval, affection, acceptance, time, whatever.  But in a real relationship, if someone really loves you, none of these things should be contingent on suffering.  These things are supposed to be freely given.  If someone really loves you.

The problem with narcissism, or any personality disorder, is that it can only be diagnosed by a professional psychologist or psychiatrist.  So, while that particular quote was not meant to diagnose anyone, it was meant to say, hey, this hits close to home.  It's actually very dangerous to assume that someone has a disorder like this, because there are so many other things that these kinds of behaviors can be ascribed to.  However, in the course of my reading I've come to understand this:  If you are a narcissist, then you know you are, you think you are the cat's pajamas, and us poor unfortunate souls just haven't become as enlightened about your grand and awesome persona as you are. You also know that you're arrogant and you don't care.

Sometimes it can take someone years to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.  I'm one of those people.  And I know I'm not the only one.  You can waste years, or decades, trying to please someone or keep them in your life, worrying that saying the wrong thing or speaking your mind about your very justifiable feelings will mess things up, but if you have to worry about any of this stuff, then trust me, that person is not for you. What I've learned is that love is not made of anger, rejection, manipulation, or possession. It's not selfish or greedy. Love thinks of the other person first.  Love really is kind and all-encompassing, love is forgiving, and above all else, love allows you to be yourself and express your pain, your sorrows, your hopes, and your dreams. Sometimes, we make terrible mistakes, and we hurt the people we love most.  You can't go back and undo it.  You can, however, forgive yourself, and choose not to be the person you were. It's very easy to look at the people closest to you in life and blame them for your own behaviors.  I'm guilty of this. A lot of people do this. But no one owns your behavior, or your choices, but yourself, and that is a hard truth that not everyone can face.