I Wish I'd Met You 20 Years Ago

 

I didn't finish school over twenty years ago because I was young and stupid and made a lot of really stupid decisions.  I didn't know what I wanted to do and everything sounded interesting.

I was a leaf on the wind.  Blowing wherever the hell the wind decided to blow me, which was in whatever direction it fancied at the time.

I'm experiencing a lot of frustration right now.  I'm five classes away from a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.  And I keep ruminating about that time, twenty years ago, and thinking, should have gone to med school.  Should have gone to med school.

In my experience, the only thing that can be gained from examining the past is a greater understanding of self.  Looking at decisions we made and figuring out why we made them can lead us to greater clarity in regard to our own personality and why we do the things we do.  Certainly, that's true for me.  But it's not really beneficial to look at the past and berate yourself all over again for something that you probably weren't ready to do in the first place.

I can speak with authority and say that twenty+ years ago, I was not the person I am today. (I'm vastly different from the person I was five years ago, too, so there's also that.) I had so much growing to do.  My priorities were different.  And the important lessons that Logan would teach me hadn't happened yet...I hadn't even met Logan's father at that point.  But do I look at psychiatrists now and think, I wish I'd met this career twenty years ago?

All the damn time.

I have many friends who tell me to do it anyway.  I do the math and think about how much more school that would entail and I feel tired.  Yet there is something to be said for finding the field that you just magically fit into, that gives you something that you didn't have before. 

Life is short.  It's too short to hold grudges, however much someone may deserve that from you.  It's too short to waste on things that suck you dry, or make you miserable. It's too short to not grab it with both hands and wring every last bit of ever-lovin' juice out of it.  It's too short.  And I wish that I could have those years back, but maybe, just maybe we all end up, exactly where we're supposed to be, at exactly the right time.