WHY

Today as I sat in the chapel of our church building, I listened to a friend give a talk about special children.  He related the story of his own son...and went on to talk about how he struggled with the question of "why?"

No one plans to have a special needs child...I have said before...unless they adopt one, and then those who do that are a very rare and special breed of people. So when you are faced with the devastating news that your child is not going to be like other children, ever...in fact, your child is going to remain, in a sense, a child, throughout their entire life...the inevitable question that comes to mind is almost always the question of "Why?"

I can't speak for other parents of special children.  I can only speak about my own situation.  For myself, as we processed the news that Logan was autistic and as it became apparent that he had some severe behavioral and communication challenges, I did ask a lot of "whys".  "Why is he like this?  Why can't we have a 'normal' child?  Why do we have to deal with this?  Why can't he get better?  Why did God send him to ME?  Why are we in this situation?"  Followed by: "Did I do this to him?  Is it something I did wrong?  Did he eat something that affected his brain?  Did I not pay enough attention to him as a baby? Was it, in fact, a vaccination that caused this?  Did I put too much sunscreen on him?"

Ridiculous theories.  I know that, now.  But when you're faced with this sort of challenge, you want answers. And here is what I've learned, over the course of eight years, almost nine.  As a member of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have a deep and abiding love for my Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, and for my Father in heaven.  I know that before I was born upon this earth, into a mortal body, I lived as a spirit with Him.  I made the decision, myself, to come to earth,  be born to earthly parents, and experience love and hope, anger, sadness, pain, faith, happiness....in the school of mortal life I knew I would get to learn many things through trials that Heavenly Father allowed me to pass through.  I also know that I am not alone on this journey.  God is there, watching out for me, His daughter, and He is just a prayer away.  He knew that I would have Logan.  He knew that I was capable of raising this child.  What makes it more comforting for me is that LOGAN also made these decisions for himself. He chose to come to earth this way.  I look forward to the day when the veil is rent in twain and I can meet my son again in that life, and be reminded of who he really was before he came here. Logan made the same choices I did.  And he is not just my son. He belongs to God, and God gave him to me to take care of.

So..as to the question of "why".... why is Logan like this?  The physical reason is unanswerable at this time. We still don't know what causes autism.  The eternal reason is because he was capable of it.  Of living a life with this type of challenge.  Perhaps, like my friend's son, he is here to help teach people...to make others aware of differences, of how to treat people who have those differences, and to test us all...how well will we treat Logan and others like him, how well can we relate to them, serve them, love them, reach out to them and their families?  As to why I have to go through this and not someone else...everyone does have trials.  Some appear to be greater than others...in fact, I had another mom with a child on the spectrum tell me that my situation was harder to deal with than hers.  How could she know?  I think she understands.  But I would love to tell her that just because someone else seems worse off than you, does not in any way minimize or make less the challenges that you are facing.  What is difficult and overwhelming for one person is cake for another.  It just depends on who you are.

In the end I've decided that ultimately the answer to the question "why" doesn't matter.  It doesn't change Logan, and it will not make a difference to me...and if I asked God why, I think He would answer, Because I love you, and one day, in this life or the next, you will have all the answers.