I thought I wasn't going to write anymore on this blog tonight, but something came up. It's really hard for me to find new material about autism, just because right now I feel like I've exhausted the main points of the subject.
Tonight, though, I was wading through some other blog, and in the comment section of this particular article, a man wrote in. Basically he went on a rant about how ill-behaved autistic children are, and how they tear up houses and don't do what they're told, and why are their parents so permissive, and how when he watches so and so's kid, they do what he tells them because "he's afraid of me".
There is only one word worth paying attention to in that entire heap of garbage, and that's the word "permissive". The rest I cannot comment on, because ladies don't write words like that on their blogs.
But to address the word "permissive". Yes, to someone who doesn't get it, autism looks like bad parenting. The autistic child screams a lot. They destroy things. They do strange things. They don't sleep, because they can't. They hurt themselves when they get overwhelmed. They hurt other people when they get overwhelmed. They cry a lot. They laugh at inappropriate times. They bang their heads. They insist on eating the same foods, over and over again. (I've never seen a child destroy a plate of nachos the way my son does.) So, there are a lot of behaviors that vary drastically from the way a "normal" kid acts. Because the autistic child has a different brain than a "normal" child, you cannot discipline them like a "normal" child. You cannot spank them. Do you know why? They don't understand why they're being spanked. If they're non-verbal, they can't tell you they're sorry for what they did, nor can they explain why they did it in the first place. You cannot scream at them. Why? Because it hurts their ultra-sensitive ears that take in every little sound from the garbage truck passing by on the street to the tree branch scratching on the window. You cannot take away their favorite toy. Why? Because they use it for comfort. They do not play with it. They just hold it.
But there are things you can do. Positive reinforcement works really, really well with autistic children. This means praising them to the moon and back when they're behaving appropriately. It means allowing them to earn something with good behavior. (You were very patient in the store...you get a sticker. Or a balloon. Or whatever works.) It means telling them that you love them. It also means not engaging with them when they throw a temper tantrum. (Walk away, and make sure the space is clear and there aren't any objects around they can hurt themselves with). It means forcing them to sit in a time out chair when they do something they're not supposed to, and repeating the word "NO" firmly and clearly over and over. It means doing these things, over and over and over again. Why? Because the child with autism needs repetition in order to learn. Behaving in a certain manner that is contrary to what they normally do has to be learned, and it has to be repeated in order for it to become part of their routine. Unlike other children, who can be told once or twice and then they understand, autistic children have to integrate it. And in order to integrate it, they have to be shown many, many times what is expected. This has to happen from a very young age.
The absolute WORST THING EVER you can do to a child like this is make them fear you. Why? Because a)they won't trust you b)Guess what happens when they get bigger and harder to handle? They're bigger and harder to handle! There will be a limit to how much you can intimidate this kid, and if you haven't built trust, and you haven't laid a foundation of positive expectations with them, then you are screwed, my friend. They won't listen to you, and once they hit puberty, all bets are off.
That being said, some parents don't understand that they actually do have to set boundaries and reinforce certain behaviors with their autistic children. Many of them are still reeling from the diagnosis. These kids don't act like the kids they're used to, so they don't know what to do, and they decide that being autistic means that the parent is helpless to do anything. In some cases, you will be. There are limits to what you, as a parent, can do. But you are still the parent, this is still your kid, and you have to find what works without crossing the line from loving parent to angry intimidator.
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