"I thought, How many new lives can we have? Then I thought, as many as we like." -Dame Judi Dench, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel


Sometimes you come to the realization that you are exactly where you need to be.  Even if it's hard, and not ideal, and not what you pictured, and you know that you could quite possibly be much happier somewhere else....after much prayer and deliberation, you realize that this situation you're in is there for a reason, you're in it for a reason, and sometimes, you just have to stand up on your hind legs and deal.

I'm a patient woman.  Most of the time.  It makes me proud to say that, and I say that with the knowledge that I am patient compared to who I was about nine or ten years ago.  I read an advice column today.  It was Carolyn Hax, and I absolutely love love love her, adore her insight, and her unique talent for putting people in their place with a few well-spoken words.  Well.  Someone wrote in tonight, and it was a woman lamenting the fact that she was blessed with a hard working husband, a home that they worked really hard for, and a graduate degree that she was just dying to use.  Add to that small town life and the draggy housewife/stay at home mom duties that go with it (I believe the word she used was *blergh*) and you have a recipe for a dissatisfied thirty-something longing to break the chains of suburban hell and explore the world and all it has to offer.

Ms. Hax encourages honesty about feelings, so I am going to be honest about how I felt when I read this woman's complaint.  On the one hand, I understood. About ten years ago, I was thirty, and I thought I had run out of "time", and that nothing cool would ever happen to me.  I was stuck at home in a tiny house with two small children that were born eighteen months apart.  We only had one car, so I really was trapped there until Husband came home from work.  This house was also located in a tiny Texas town that I never dreamed of setting down roots in and I thought life was just horrible.  So I understand why this woman feels the way she does, because I used to feel that way.

On the other hand, I wanted to throttle her.  I wanted to tell her, by God, woman, be thankful.  Be thankful for your sedate, boring life, for the opportunity to be with someone who loves you enough to work hard everyday, be glad you have healthy children, be grateful you have a roof over your head, understand that you had the opportunity to get an advanced degree and think about that, every day.

I understand the longing to feel important.  To feel like you are contributing, that you are doing something worthwhile.  Please, sweet lady who is bored at home and wants more.  Take my word for it.  You are doing something worthwhile.  It can all change in an instant.  Degrees are important.  Education is important. The need to carve your place in the world and experience things, that's important too.  But your children and your husband are no less important and valuable and that has to be considered.

I never thought I would get to go back to school, or have a job outside of the home.  When my husband and I got married, I had already racked up a bunch of useless hours at more than one college, and failed miserably because I could never seem to find something that fit.  I gave up on it for a while.  The demands at home were too great.  Now ten years later, I have a career that allows me to work from home that I LOVE, and I'm back at school.  And you know what?  I'm not too old, and it's totally the right time to do it.  There's not any *blergh* here.  If anything, there's a little wistfulness for a more peaceful time that I know is not going to come around again for a long while.  But that's okay.  By all means, seek to enrich yourself.  Do what you can to build a career where you're at.  Think outside the box.  Talk to your husband and be honest about how you're feeling, and find out what his feelings are about the future. What does he want?  Is he satisfied with his job?  With the town?  With the house?  Where does he want to be in five years?  Ten?  How about you?  Look at what you do every day and ask yourself what you're doing that's just for you.  Do you have a hobby?  Do you have a social group that you're part of?  Do you keep yourself updated in your field? Stay at home moms experience burnout, just like anyone else with a full time job.  I once had a friend who was really confused at the idea that a mom might need a break from her kids.  But we do.  All moms do.  Why?  Because you are with this person, or people, 24/7.  You're constantly providing all the things they need, which is what you're supposed to do, but to assume that you don't need a break is to assume that you are a mother and only a mother and that that is your sole function in life.  The you that existed before you had kids still exists, and that you needs personal care, time to breathe, and time to remember that you are not a laundry/cooking/diaper changing/grocery shopping/owie kissing machine.


A good friend of mine once told me that life changes, and it changes yet again, and again.  Enjoy the time you're existing in now, because this time will never come again.