So, like I mentioned in that previous post, sometimes people just don't know what to say in situations like this. Instead of making it specific to my situation (Notice I did NOT title this "What to Say When Your Friend/Family Member/ETC's Son is in a Psych Ward", I'm going to say that this little post will give you a good idea of what is appropriate to say or do when someone is going through a difficult time full of emotional upheaval that society in general would view as awkward. So you might call this "Mrs. Stogner's Guide to Awkward Emotional Situations" or "How to Not Put Your Foot in Your Mouth and Keep It That way" or "Don't be an Ass". Here we go.
Awkward emotional situations include: divorces, separations, illnesses that are awkward to talk about (You had a boil removed where??), hospitalizations that are not the norm (Dad's drying out in a substance abuse clinic? awesome). Or other situations like these. These are situations that are talked about in whispers, as if something scandalous had happened. In reality, what happened is LIFE, but some people are more adept at turning it into something else, like fodder for Sunday afternoon gossip.
Here are some GOOD things that you can say to the person who is going through these kinds of situations:
1. "Are you okay?" or "How are you holding up?" It's a safe question. It shows concern and gives them the opportunity to either spill their guts or keep it to themselves. Be sure to convey, when you ask this, that you are available to listen if they need you to. Don't just say, Are you okay? then move on to some other topic. The key here is "listening". A foreign concept to some.
2. "I can't pretend to know what you're going through". Thank you. Yes, this is actually a good thing to hear. You're acknowledging that this situation is beyond your scope of experience while letting the person know that you are prepared to sympathize with them.
3. "Yes, it sucks." For me, at least, it's a relief to hear this. I hate people who sugarcoat things, or try to make things seem different from what they really are. I am in the situation. I am aware of how badly it sucks. If you come to me and try to tell me that "It's okay" or "It's not as bad as you think it is", then I can't relate to you. I'll also be finally convinced of your idiocy and smile and nod and walk away.
4. "What can I do?" or "Can I do anything?" This is worded like an offer. You're not throwing out the pat, "Hey, call me if you need anything." Guess what? I am not going to call you. Someone once said this in a church talk. I think it was Dieter F. Uchtdorf (I love him), that said, "If someone is drowning you don't sit there and ask if they need help or tell them to call if they need something. You recognize that they are drowning and you do something." (paraphrased). That something may be a simple thing like listening. It may be a batch of cookies. It may be a card with a handwritten message like "Thinking of you". No one is asking you to cure the situation. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is enough to lift a person out of the sadness they're feeling, for a while.
And now I'm going to throw out the big, giant DON'T.
Don't EVER, ever, EVER EVER EVER, try to talk the person out of their feelings, tell them that they shouldn't be feeling that way, tell them that their feelings are wrong, tell them that they should have done x, y, z, tell them that they are "too" anything: "too" angry, upset, grumpy, rude, or whatever. Don't gloss over their feelings. Don't treat their feelings like they're unimportant. Don't do any of these. If you cannot be around the person without doing this, then don't be around them. You'll do more harm than good. If you can't handle being around them when they are sad or angry because of the situation they are in, then you can tell them that you are having a hard time dealing with "It" too, in your own way, and send them a card or something neutral.
And it's that simple, readers. It really is.
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