Catch-22

Having a family member receiving cancer treament, psychiatric treament, Alzheimer's treatment, or any other medical treatment that causes them to be someplace far away from you is a hard thing to deal with.  Your emotions are so conflicting.

My Grandma Rose became very ill some years ago.  She had battled rheumatoid arthritis for years.  The pain, for her, was excruciating as her fingers and hands twisted and deformed to the point that she could no longer bake, or crochet, or do other things that she loved.  Eventually she could no longer drive and even dressing herself was difficult.  This was a hard thing for a woman who was used to being independent, getting her hair done and putting on sharp outfits and makeup for work.  She started spending her days in a dressing gown, walking up and down the ramp in front of her house to get exercise.  The gardens that she so lovingly tended slowly went wild or died.  She fell one day and couldn't reach anyone for three hours.  She was so rattled by that experience that she knew it was time to go into a nursing home.  She was in the nursing home about a week when she caught pneumonia, and she died a short time later.  My theory is that she never intended to be there long.  She wasn't big on nonsense.

At the sermon her pastor gave during her funeral, he acknowledge that we all missed her.  But then he asked a very important question:  "But would you bring her back, the way that she was when she left, knowing how much she was suffering?" and the answer was, of course, no.  When you love someone, you want them to be at peace and be happy.

This is where the conflicting emotions come in regarding Logan.  I miss him so much.  It is a huge adjustment, not having him around here to take care of, knowing that someone else is covering him up at night, waking up at 3am and not going to stare at him and make sure he's breathing.  That is the part that's hard to deal with.  The other side of that coin is that he really is where he needs to be, and he is happier there.  Would I disrupt that, his chance to receive the treatment he needs, just to satisfy this longing that I feel?  No, I would not.

But I miss him so much.