Logan is home from the hospital for the time being. I don't mind saying that this is a very stressful thing, but not for the reasons people may imagine.
The entire 2+ weeks he was gone, I didn't really allow myself to think about it. Visiting hours in that wing of the hospital are very restricted. I know that there were probably people who saw me out and about at different times of the day and wondered why I wasn't with him. The answer was because of the visiting hours. I could always call to check on him. I could never spend the day up there with him; it simply wasn't allowed. And even if it had been, it probably would have made it that much harder for him to cope with being there, since our presence was a disruption for him anyway.
So, now he is home. He proclaimed on the way home that he was happy to be going home, that he wanted to see me, and that "mommy is cute".
I started to cry when I saw him getting out of the car in the driveway. I couldn't help it. I felt angry and happy and sad and scared all at once. It was too much. And I think that the stress comes from mostly not knowing exactly what will come next. He's here for now. He's having a very hard time adjusting to being home and has frequently said, throughout the day, that he doesn't feel good, that his head hurts, and that he's sad. For anyone who doesn't understand this behavior, it's pretty typical of autism. Moving a child from an extremely regimented, calm environment to the chaos of a six person family home can be very disrupting to that child and it may take them a couple of days to fall back into the rhythm of the household. So, the behavior was not surprising at all. I expected that.
I know, that at some point, perhaps as early as next week, he will go to a different hospital where he will receive longer term treatment. I have gone back and forth with myself over this so many times. I have been told, by hospital staff and family members, that this is the best choice for him. I agree. But it's hard. And it's not knowing that stresses me out and scares me the most. We've never done this before. What will it be like? How long will it last? Maybe something will happen and it won't happen at all? These questions are the greatest source of stress.
So, to those of your reading this blog and still not understanding: why would someone like me put their child in a state hospital to receive psychiatric care?
There's the glaring fact that I don't owe anyone an explanation. But this is why someone like me would do this: when your child has serious behavioral issues, and they can no longer be regulated reliably with discipline, in-home structure, and medication if necessary, then it is time to consider that option. It's time to consider that option because as time goes on, those behaviors will regress and become a problem for the child and for the household he lives in. It's vital to address it in a child with serious mental disorders, because if you don't, that child grows up to become an adult with serious mental disorders, and that adult may become a statistic or a story on the evening news.
In some ways that is being dramatic or borrowing trouble. But in some ways, it is not. There are countless stories in the news of how an autistic adult didn't interact with the police appropriately and got shot or mistreated. There are countless stories of mentally ill or disabled adults who end up in the prison system, because they cannot make decisions and don't really understand consequences, and there is no other place for them in this state. But that's a different post.
The point is, the reason someone like me would do something like this is because I love my kid, and I will move heaven and earth to help him in any way possible. Even if that means plunging into the unknown; even if that means trying something new. Even if that means being scared.
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