The Eternal Perspective

I had this friend once, who said he knew what my deepest fear was.

What is it?  I asked him.

And he said, Being alone.

At the time, I thought he was right, and maybe, for the person I was at that time, it was true.  But the last ten years have taught me how to be alone.  I'm a master at it; sometimes, even when you're married, there are things that you have to deal with on your own.  So, yes, I can be alone, it doesn't phase me...and just know that if you're in my life, it's because I want you there, not because I cannot function otherwise.

What I didn't consider, at the time of that conversation that took place so long ago, was that my deepest fear really was losing one my children.  And I guess I didn't think about it, because it was inconceivable to me.  If someone had come to me then, and said, guess what?  In a few years, you will have to make the decision to send your youngest son to live somewhere else, I would have punched them in the nose.

But here I am, making this decision.  My biggest fear has reared its ugly head.  I look at the situation I am in and I don't understand how I'm not a patient on the sixth floor also.

I go through the day and it has a surreal feel to it.  It feels like a nightmare that I'm trapped in.  Stress can do horrible things to people; it can make you physically ache, and it can make it hard to focus on anything.  Your thoughts feel scattered.  You wonder if anything will ever feel okay again, you wonder if you will ever be able to feel peace again, or feel happy.

There are also many people who may look at this situation and feel like it illustrates what they believe is a fundamental flaw in Christianity:  If God is so loving, and all-powerful, why does He allow such suffering?  Since He is God, and God can do anything, why doesn't He just heal Logan, or make Logan able to be at home?

Believe me, I have prayed for Logan to be healed.  It doesn't hurt to ask, right?  But it is not meant to be, in this life.  Logan is the way he is for a reason.  It would be easy for me to hide behind this trial, and make poor choices and blame it on the heartbreaking nature of what we are enduring.  It would be easy for me to go to bed, and pull the covers over my head, and shirk family responsibilities, or to stop trying.  I could use this situation as an excuse for so many things.  But I will not.  Everyone has trials in this life and it always flabbergasts me when I meet someone who thinks they are "owed" something:  respect, or love, or friendship, or money, or prestige, or material goods.  It would also be easy for me to look at other families and feel bitter:  Why do they get to be normal, and have "normal" children who do not have to suffer, when we don't?  Why is this happening to us?

Then I look at Logan and I do not understand why God entrusted him to me.

So, it would be easy to do all of these things:  to make excuses, to become bitter, to stay in bed, to make poor choices, but I am not a fan of the easy way.  The easy way does not promote growth, it does not show us who we are meant to be.  The easy way does not try our faith, it does not bring us closer to God.  The easy way sustains weak characters, and it encourages inaction.  The easy way is not for me.

My deepest fear has become a reality, and I am still here, still breathing, still dealing, and I will continue to do so. I think that Jeffrey R Holland said it best:

"We came to earth to face issues of mortality in the form of trials, temptations, disease, and death.  It is essential for us to face personal struggles because opposition is a crucial part of Father's plan. I suppose everybody will have some kind of an experience where they say, "I'm never going to be happy again."

Well, we are going to be happy again. That is also a part of the plan.  It's the very nature of it. Hang on and hope. Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. Never, ever doubt his love for you. Hold fast to the Atonement.  Believe in miracles. When you've done all you can do, endure to the end. And remember, hope is never lost. 

Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."  
Logan's mind will not be healed in this life.  His life is taking the course it is for a reason.  But I have a solid eternal perspective, and I know that this is not permanent.  One day, in the next life, I will be able to make up for lost time with him, I will meet the Logan that is not impaired, I will meet the son who is lucid and aware.  This trial is huge, and it is scary, and we can allow it to turn us to God or to other, darker paths.  I choose God, and I will choose God, over and over again, no matter what.