Black Nights

 

(image from fastweb.com)

It will be a little while before an appropriate place is found for Logan.  The group home process can take months or weeks, depending on what's available.  Group homes for children have a small staff to child ratio.  Generally, they look for a three or four bedroom home.  The home is staffed by staff that work eight hour shifts, and who are familiar with dealing with children like Logan.

Just so you know, none of this makes me feel better.  What we are choosing to do goes against biology.  It goes against instinct.  It goes against everything that is ingrained in you as a parent.  I have prayed about it over and over again and gotten the answer that this is what Logan needs at this time.  At night, I have the hardest time.  When I'm tired, and I finally have time to sit down and ruminate about the day, and about what obligations I need to fulfill the next day, it's easy to get overwhelmed and give in to despair.  There is really no other way to describe it.  There are some nights, like tonight, when I am okay and I can think analytically about what needs to be done, when I can consider not just the fact that he is my child, but that my other children have been affected by years of dealing with this, and I understand that the choice is in everyone's best interest.  But then there are other nights, that are just really...black.

Last night was a black night.

Black nights, friends, involve a lot of crying behind closed doors and basically just freaking out when I can be by myself.  Black nights involve trying to bargain with God, even when you know the answer, and black nights involve a lot of insecurity.  I hate those kinds of nights.

Black nights also involve me telling God:  You need to give me some more reassurance, because I can't.  I just can't.

And you know what?  He does.  My testimony of God as a loving Father has grown immensely in the last few weeks.  The first time I asked him for the kind of reassurance I needed, a friend wrote to me who I hadn't heard from for years and said, You are doing the right thing. I am in a similar situation.

And this time, a dear, wonderful friend called me and pointed out that although people may have differing opinions on this situation, myself and my husband are Logan's parents and  parents receive insight and inspiration for their children that other people can't receive.  In other words, this situation is between us, Logan, and Heavenly Father.  No one else can solve it, no one else can tell us what's right to do, because we are the ones that have been given this to work through.

And I'm really glad she called me, because until she did, I wasn't thinking of it in this way.  I love her.  She's always been a great example to me and if she's reading this, I want her to know that her phone call today was like the sun coming out for me.

I've had many other people call me just to ask how I'm doing, how Logan is, how is the family, I had a wonderful family bring us a meal the other day, and I think, that of all the places on earth, I would not want to be anywhere but here.

I know, because of this, because of the things I've experienced personally, that Heavenly Father is VERY aware of us.  And He is not only aware, He cares.  He is very concerned about his earthly children and the different trials that we have to face while we're here, and I know that He is not just an impersonal immortal, presiding over His latest creation, He is our true and everlasting Father.  He loves us, and He wants what's best for us.  What's best may not be our ideal, and what's best may be uncomfortable or we may even perceive it as undesirable, but He has a more eternal perspective than we do, and I am learning that, slowly, as time goes on.