It's All Chocolate

Some things can change in an instant.  You get in your little rut, you think "This is my chaos, my life with all its problems, but the problems are familiar, and I know what to expect, so it may not be ideal but I deal with it."

About a week ago I found out I was pregnant.

I was very disbelieving.  Like a "Shut up, get out of town, no freakin' way" kind of disbelief.  A "let me take three pregnancy tests and also confirm it with a doctor" kind of disbelief.  The tests all said I was.  The doctor said "Congratulations."

I always wanted four kids.  It's what my husband and I talked about when we got married, something we had planned on.  But after we had Logan we thought perhaps we were done.  Logan at his worst is like four children in one.  So, I found out and I didn't say anything for almost a week.  And where I expected fear, and anxiety, instead I felt a peace settle over me that I have not felt in a very long time.  It was God whispering to me that everything is going to be okay, and that some things are meant to be.

The same week that I told my husband about the baby (he is thrilled, by the way), it became painfully clear that Logan's issues with aggression and anxiety run much deeper than either of us had ever suspected.  I won't go into what happened;  suffice it to say that something occurred that was a huge wake up call for both of us. It warranted a spur of the moment trip to the doctor.  It warranted a new medication.  And now we are playing "wait and see".

I am thankful for my children.  Every single one of them.  Each so special, each so gifted in their own way.  Each with their own set of challenges.  I should be scared of the future.  I should be frightened of bringing another child into a home that is already so fraught with tension and unique circumstances.  But I think fear is for people who are lacking in faith...and over the past two or three years, I have learned that sometimes, faith is all you have.  As Forrest Gump would say: "Life is like a box of chocolates, and you never know which one you're going to get."   To that I want to add my two cents:  It's ALL chocolate, so it doesn't matter!