On Sunday, someone spoke in our church about not judging others. He went on to say that all of us have to form "intermediate judgements", but that final judgements should be left up to God.
I think what he was trying to say was that in our everyday lives, when we come into contact with people, we have to form opinions about them. Is this a person with whom I want to have contact on a regular basis? Is this a friend my child should have? Etc, etc. But he also said something else interesting: Judge the circumstances, not the person.
This is so hard to do, sometimes. We see something, and it appears to be inexcusable. We draw conclusions from it. It's human nature. But what if. What if what you are seeing is not how it really is. What if there is a reason for that person's behavior, or lack of communication, or rudeness. Can we excuse the behavior then? Well, people shouldn't be rude, and people should curb their anger...but could understanding the reason behind what they do perhaps help us all to be more compassionate and forgiving?
Why am I even writing about this? Before I had Logan, I was what I consider a "normal mom". I had two kids, seventeen months apart. I ran errands, cleaned my house, had a lot of friends (still do), and life was just...life. If I went into a store and I saw another child misbehaving or wreaking havoc, I would think this (and I am embarrassed to admit this, but I also know I am not the only one who has done it): What is wrong with that kid? Why won't that mom step in and do something? Why is she letting her son/daughter be so whiny and misbehave so much?
I don't think that way anymore. I mentioned that having a special-needs child gives you a certain perspective.
I was in a Wal-Mart a few months back, and I think I had my older son with me. Suddenly there was a piercing scream, and a little boy started bellowing, "Mommy, Mommy, stop, ow, you broke my arm! You broke my arm!" His screams and yells were so loud, and so berserk, that several people in the store stopped what they were doing and stared. The mother took the little boy in her arms and quickly made her way to the restroom.
Of course, I followed her. (sheepish grin)
She took him into the handicapped stall where he proceeded to indulge in a world-class meltdown. I don't think she knew I was in there at first. She never raised her voice. She calmly asked him to stop crying. She kept speaking to him in soothing tones. I recognized it for what it was: a temper tantrum. An out-of-control, over-sensitive child who could not get a handle on himself. I quietly asked her if she needed some help and she thanked me and said she was fine. I left.
It looked horrible. A mother who had possibly abused her son right there in Wal-Mart. But it wasn't what it looked like. His arm wasn't broken. I don't know what sparked his outrage, but it wasn't an enraged mother who had taken her anger out on him.
There have been many times when I took Logan out to the store or to a restaurant and my timing was off. He was too tired or he hadn't had enough to eat, or he was just overstimulated already. And he is an expert, just like that other little boy, at bellowing at the top of his lungs over and over, of reaching out and grabbing things he shouldn't, and just being a pill in general when he doesn't want to do something. I once took him to a grocery store and he didn't want to be there. But I really had to pick something up, and I thought, We'll be in and out, no problem. Heh. Well, in the checkout line, he jumped. He jumped up high enough that he could grab the large, dangling cardboard sign that was advertising a store promotion. And it fell. Off the ceiling. People stared (it's rude to stare!) and the checkout girl smiled at me and said in a sweet voice, "Is he just really hyper?" I looked at her and responded in the same tone, "Why, yes." (No, he really likes that sign, hanging from the ceiling, and he wants to take it home with him. Here is your sign. Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy.)
So, now, when I go to the store, or somewhere else, if I see a kid acting like that, even if they appear to be the worst kind of brat imaginable, I hold off on getting angry or making snap judgments about the parents. You don't know what that kid may have been through that day. You don't know what the parents may be going through, every day. And it's really better to take care of your own and make sure you are doing right by your own than to make it your business to label other people, weigh them, measure them, and find them wanting. Because we can all be found wanting, in some regard.
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