At the last support group meeting for All Together, a certain topic came up. This topic had to do with social change; specifically, how when you find out your child has autism, and you have to make adjustments and accommodations for that, it will inevitably affect your social life.
A long time ago, I had this tight little group of friends. Anyone who knows me well knows that I get a lot of my energy from being around people. I like my alone time, because everyone needs time to decompress, but I love being around people. So, this little group of friends and I...we would go out to lunch together, our kids would play together, etc. You get the drift.
After my son's autism started emerging, things changed. The phone calls didn't come as often and the invites for my other kids sort of dwindled. To be fair, this could have also been due to life changes...people getting busy or kids getting older. But, it just happened to coincide with this time in my life. I have one distinct memory of meeting some really old friends at a Starbuck's. My son didn't like being in there. I don't know if he was having a bad day or what, but he made his displeasure known. And I can remember these friends looking at me with a mixture of "we don't know what to do" and "we pity you".
Anyone who knows me well knows that "pity" is not something I want, need, or enjoy.
So, things changed. Life is like that. Sometimes, you try really hard to be a friend to someone, and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. Perhaps you're at two different places in life. Maybe the person you're trying to be friends with has a different idea than you about what friendship is. Maybe you're going through something that they have not a clue how to deal with, be it a divorce, or cancer, or an autism diagnosis, so they retreat.
Whatever it is, this is what I've learned. You can waste a lot of energy, and enjoy a whole lot of heartache, by chasing after somebody who doesn't really want to be a part of your life. You can bend over backwards for someone, and do everything in your power to make sure they understand that they are important to you as a friend, spouse, lover, whatever...and if they don't feel the same way, then you're wasting your time. You can't force a heart. You can't create something out of nothing.
Life is precious, and limited. Time flies. Eventually, I found out who my real friends were...and they were the ones who stayed. They were the ones who educated themselves about my son, and who still see me as me, and not as the mom who has a child with autism. Each day that passes I find more peace in being greedy with my time, and spending it with uplifting people who don't really care if my son has odd habits or says weird things, or if I live on a specific side of town or drive an old minivan. I've always been about people, not things. Nice things are nice, but people are more important..because the relationships we form here, and the knowledge we gain, is all we take with us to the next life.
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