The Dual Child

Once again, I have come down with some sort of cold or virus, and I am hacking and coughing.  The 80-year old man is back.  I'm tired of being sick and sick of being tired.  You never fully appreciate your ability to navigate life until something impedes your skill to do so.

I've titled this entry "The Dual Child" for a reason.  People never believe me when I tell them that my son is one child at school, and a completely different person at home.  I once tried to explain this to a psychiatrist that had practiced for a number of years.  He was in his 70's and working at our local MHMR clinic, if that tells you anything.  I explained the personality difference between the boy at school and the boy at home.  He told me he didn't believe me.  That he had never heard of anything like it.  Besides the fact that I didn't appreciate being called a liar in so many words, nor that my authority as the expert on my son wasn't recognized, it disappointed me that someone who was supposed to be in the business of helping people wasn't educated enough on the newest frontier of psychiatry.  The word "fossil" comes to mind, but I digress.

My son has been described by his teachers as "a model student", "the sweetest boy", "always does what he is told", "never causes a problem", etc.  All of this is true.  He is sweet, and when he is not overstimulated or dealing with change in his schedule, he is the calmest child and easy to talk to and reason with.

He is not like this at home.

The strict predictability of a school day does wonders for him. If children with ASD thrive on scheduling, then this environment will, of course, suit his psyche.  He always knows what to expect.  The same people are always there.  He eats lunch at the same time every day.  He has similar assignments every day.  The same classes at the same time.  Not everyone will behave in the same manner, but there are rules, and most of the time, those rules are followed.  Mom drops him off at the same time every morning and picks him at the same time in the afternoon.  Do you see now this might calm a child riddled with anxiety?  The sheer sameness of each passing day poses no threat and no surprise to him.

Home is different.  In a home, you cannot keep a schedule like this, nor should you expect your other, neuro-typical children to adhere to it. There are unexpected sounds and noises.  Because of everyone's crazy schedule, dinner is probably not at the same time every night.  Not everyone behaves in a predictable manner because when you're at home, you're freer to express yourself, and to wear what you want, watch something on tv, listen to music, have friends over.  It's unpredictable.  It's an unpredictability that neuro-typical people don't think much about, but to a child with ASD, it's very hard to deal with.  So when he's at home, my son screams, or hits things, or acts out.  He gets overstimulated very easily.  It's not something a lot of people understand. There have been times when he has stood in our front yard, shrieking until I could get him into the house.  In all the times we've lived here, our neighbors have never complained or said anything.  They must be saints, because I know they've heard him on more than one occasion.

So what is the point of explaining all of this to you?  The point is that just because something looks one way to you, doesn't mean that it is that way.  I've had people comment to me that I do this mothering thing with my son so well, that my husband and I have it all together, etc.  I appreciate their faith in me, I appreciate the encouragement, and I appreciate their belief that this is easy.  I'm here to tell you that it's not.  It's the hardest thing in the world.  It changes you.  It makes you into a different person.  You start to see the world differently, and you start to view other people differently. This isn't a bad thing.  There are many things I've learned from my son that I wouldn't trade anything for, and I would never want to go back to the person I was before I had him.  I just want to make the point that it's very easy to make assumptions about people.  You really can't know someone else's experience unless you've lived through it yourself, or know that person extremely well.

How do we solve the issue of the "dual child"?  The answer is, you don't.  You cannot create a school environment at home, anymore than the school can become "homey".  You provide as much predictability as is reasonable for you to provide, and you teach your child with ASD that at home, this is the way things are done, and at school, they are done a different way.  You learn ways to calm him, or re-direct him.  Above all else you have to operate with understanding that you are not dealing with someone who is malicious.  You are dealing with someone who is carrying an extreme case of anxiety, and that anxiety may cause them to say and do things that are hard to watch and even harder to deal with.  If you let go of your expectation that your child with ASD will stay calm and that you can make them into something else, things will be, in some ways, less stressful for you.