Domestic Violence Awareness Month

This month is domestic violence awareness month.

I'm still amazed at the attitudes some people take towards this.  Especially the attitude of "She/He must like it or she/he would leave".

It's not that simple.

Part of the reason domestic violence is so hard to combat is because the perpetrator becomes very skilled at demoralizing his or her victim.  The victim feels powerless, they begin to believe they don't deserve better, and often, their very lives or the lives of their children are at stake.  It escalates and sometimes the victim becomes a prisoner in their own home.  The abuser dictates who they can see and talk to and when. They are often quick to jump to conclusions about their victim's behavior.  They check mileage on their victim's car.  They cut off means of communication.  Some women, and some men, end up dead, or they walk out with just the clothes on their back rather than stay in this intolerable situation.

Verbal abuse is even more insidious, and while it doesn't leave physical scars, it does leave psychological ones.  Verbal abuse includes making threats (if you don't do A, then I'm going to leave, or if you don't do A, then I'll do B, and you won't like it when I do B), making comments about a person's appearance and intellectual ability (you're really stupid, you know that?), twisting situations around and blaming the victim for the perpetrator's own anger or misbehavior (if you didn't do A, or act like A, then I wouldn't have to act like B, or do B.  This is totally false, because everyone is responsible for their own behavior).  It also includes interrupting, not listening, discounting feelings and opinions,and  acting concerned when in reality the abuser is trying to control someone's behavior. It includes not giving due consideration to someone's opinion, or respecting those opinions even if you don't agree with them.  It includes not being able to take responsibility for one's own actions (Spouse:  I'm not happy because you said/did A.  Abuser:  Oh, so it's my fault?  *proceeds to verbally attack spouse* instead of listening and trying to come to a resolution). It also includes continuing a behavior that the abuser knows makes the spouse sad, miserable, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. The spouse becomes trapped in a deadly cycle with the verbal abuser, because they think they can make the abuser understand them or see their point of view.  This will never happen.  The abuser likes the feeling he/she gets from being "right" and "in power" all the time.  They're really not interested in a loving relationship.

Have you also noticed that I have referred to the victim as HE or She?  Statistically, women are most often the victims of domestic abuse.  But men are too.  Men don't receive as much attention for this because of society's perception of women as the "weaker" sex, but abuse can happen in any relationship, to any gender, even among LGBT couples.  And it's really not about gender.  It's about one person mistreating another person.

If you are being abused  and you need help, call this number.  This is the National Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline.  1-800-799-7233.