A Matter of Decision

 

The other day I was texting back and forth with a very dear friend of mine (hey, Kristy D!) and she was asking me what the hardest thing was about raising Logan, or something to that effect. And she remarked that it must be very hard on a marriage, because we don't have the time to do the things that couples do who have neurotypical children.

In some ways, that's true.  I've written a little about this topic before, but I think this time, I want to be a little more blunt about it.  If you Google "divorce and autism" you will see a lot of disturbing statistics...something like 80% of couples who are raising a child with autism get divorced according to some of these so-called reports.  But you will see, in greater numbers, articles debunking that myth.  Who knows if it's true?  You can make statistics say anything you want them to say.  (i.e. 80% of couples who get married both like the same brand of cheese!  or 20% of couples who get married disagree on their preferred brand of cheese!...it's the same statistic with a different spin, see?)  What's important is that yes, raising a child with any disability puts a great deal of stress on a marriage.

Why? you ask.  Isn't raising a child, period, stressful enough? 

Well, sure it is.  But here are some of the challenges we face that some couples with neurotypicals don't:

1) We can't find a babysitter.  What's more, we're leery of even hiring one. Parents who raise children with ASD or other disabilities are the quintessential overprotective helicopter parents.  We don't trust easily, and it's because ASD is such a mixed bag that we can't expect anyone to know exactly what to do for our kid.  And do we really want to inflict a hormonal tween who still indulges in cataclysmic temper tantrums on some poor 16 year old who probably has half the strength that he does?  No.  We don't.  The fact is that that probably wouldn't happen, but we know we can handle it.  We just don't know if anyone else can.  No offence to anyone who might be up for the challenge.

2) We parent differently.  A lot of moms and dads parent differently.  It can take months or years to figure out what works best for the ASD child.  And there will be disagreements on what works best. 

3) One parent takes on the mother lode of responsibility.  If you're a control freak like me, then it's easy to shoulder responsibility that you really shouldn't.  And sometimes, by necessity, one parent will take the lion's share of responsibility for that child because of the way schedules are...so while one parent works full time, the other parent deals with schools, doctor appointments, managing the child's schedule, finding a specialist, that sort of thing. This can lead to burnout and resentment for the parent doing all the work, and it can make the other parent feel uninvolved or not needed.

4) We can't go places as a family.  No, we can't.  Some children with ASD do not do well in certain environments.  Any place that requires extended periods of quiet are a no go for us.  Our child has verbal outbursts.  He can't help it.  So, that means certain restaurants, movie theaters, playhouses, and musical performances are out of the question.  The world simply isn't made for autism.  That's the way it is.  The things we do as a family are usually outdoors and involve the park, or a trip to a fast food place.  And yes, there is a way to train your child with ASD to tolerate those other environments, but it involves a LOT of patience and it involves going to that venue and placing them in that situation OVER AND OVER again for as long as it takes until they become acclimated to it. And most of us do not have the time or money to do it...it's easier to structure our lives around it.

5) We can't go places as a couple.  See number 4.  Seriously.  We can swing a date that lasts an hour or two, but we always feel rushed and there is always a sense of "is he ok? is he screaming?  do we need to go get him?"  And going on a weekend trip together as a couple, like for an anniversary or something?  You are out of your skull.  Not happening.

So, after reading this, it seems sort of hopeless, right?  We are doomed to fail, as a couple.  But you don't have to.  It doesn't have to be that way.  It's a matter of decision and it involves a change in perspective.  You see, we have this kid.  My husband and I.  He belongs to us.  This is a trial that we are facing together.  This is a challenge and a blessing that Heavenly Father gave to us.  Communication is vital.  Allowing the other person to be human is vital.  Forgiveness is vital.  If we don't have those things, then we will fail, as a couple.  It's not that I have married the love of my life and that our house smells like sunshine and flowers all the time and our children fart rainbows and ride unicorns to school.  It is never going to be easy and to the outside world it is certainly not beautiful.  But we decided. We decided that we are in this together, we chose to stick together, we chose what was best for our family and our children.  And to me, a conscious decision trumps happenstance or luck any day.  It would be great if things flowed easily, if there was no struggle and if we never had to worry about any of these things.  But then, how would I know what we were made of, if the hard times had never come?  I prefer the good and the bad.  I prefer going into things with my eyes wide open, understanding that life grants us both happiness and hardship, and it's up to us, as a husband and wife, as parents, to live life together and to not let go when those hard times come.