This week I had lunch with a very dear friend. He started telling me about his struggles with depression and other disorders that he dealt with, and how his partner would become frustrated and try to "pull him out of it."
It has taken me a long time to learn that depression disorders are still very much misunderstood in our society. There are so many causes...a chemical imbalance. A circumstance. Genetics. The wrong diet. Family dynamics. What many people don't understand is that a person who deals with chronic depression can't just be "pulled out of it."
I write about this in the hope that people who suffer from it, or who have loved ones who suffer from it, may be comforted in knowing they are not alone, and perhaps gain a better understanding of what their loved one goes through. I also write about this because depression is rampant in families who have an autistic individual. Autism is on the rise, and while many people have learned to change their perspective on this condition and have begun to appreciate the good and fulfilling things that autism can bring to a person's life, it's not all roses, and there are many families that are ill-equipped emotionally to deal with these challenges.
The first thing anyone needs to know is that depression is real. It's not all in their head. I have known people who start thinking about different scenarios..I call it the "what-if" syndrome ...and because of something that might happen, they become overly anxious. Their thoughts begin to cycle and they can't stop homing in on this one concern. They become depressed and it interferes with their daily life. What may seem trivial to one person or completely absurd is not to the person affected by this emotional illness. The magnitude of emotional response may seem out of proportion to the situation or it may not make sense at all. What you have to remember is that it makes sense and is justified to the person exhibiting the symptoms of depression.
Which brings me to my next point. When this happens, and you recognize that someone is dealing with depression, it does not do them, or anyone else, any good to belittle the emotion, criticize them for it, minimize it, or point out why that particular emotion is wrong. At this point you have to jump into their reality for a moment. Accept the fact that they are dealing with a real illness, even if it's not an illness of the body, but of the mind. Accept that it's very real to them. Once you accept that, you can stop trying so hard to change it.
I used to think that I was doing something wrong, when I had a friend who was in a depressive state, and I could not "cure" them. I mean, I'm fun to be around, I know them well, I can get a laugh out of them and distract them from whatever's bothering them, right? So why isn't it working? It's frustrating, they're not responding, I must be doing something wrong!
Well, that's not the case. Recognizing that someone is dealing with this doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help. You should encourage them to do uplifting things, you should try to get them out of the house, you should talk to them and let them know that you are there, that you are aware of what's going on, and that you aren't going to leave them all alone just because they aren't responding to you the way you think they should. You should also be prepared to call for some professional help if the problem gets out of hand. This may include drastic measures that they will not thank you for anytime soon. Some people become excellent pretenders. They hide their depression and no one would ever guess what's going on. But if your loved one starts talking about ending things, doing themselves harm, states feelings of worthlessness, and appears to have "checked out"...it's time for some help. Other than that, you just ride it out. You can't pull someone out of it. You can't make them stand up and be active. You can make plans to speak to them later, when they are not in a depressive state, and point out the effect the problem is having on the family, and on you, and you can form a plan of action for the next time it occurs...but you can't "cure" it. All you can do is be there.
That being said, I have to play devil's advocate. There may come a time when you find yourself in a situation with someone who refuses to get help. They refuse to recognize the problem or the damage it's doing to you and your children. At that point, you have a decision to make. If you have talked to this person, begged and pleaded with them to get help, tried every way you can imagine to make them understand and they refuse to listen or get treatment...then you have to decide whose sanity is more important...your own or their's.
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