This week I had lunch with a very dear friend. He started telling me about his struggles with depression and other disorders that he dealt with, and how his partner would become frustrated and try to "pull him out of it."
It has taken me a long time to learn that depression disorders are still very much misunderstood in our society. There are so many causes...a chemical imbalance. A circumstance. Genetics. The wrong diet. Family dynamics. What many people don't understand is that a person who deals with chronic depression can't just be "pulled out of it."
I write about this in the hope that people who suffer from it, or who have loved ones who suffer from it, may be comforted in knowing they are not alone, and perhaps gain a better understanding of what their loved one goes through. I also write about this because depression is rampant in families who have an autistic individual. Autism is on the rise, and while many people have learned to change their perspective on this condition and have begun to appreciate the good and fulfilling things that autism can bring to a person's life, it's not all roses, and there are many families that are ill-equipped emotionally to deal with these challenges.
The first thing anyone needs to know is that depression is real. It's not all in their head. I have known people who start thinking about different scenarios..I call it the "what-if" syndrome ...and because of something that might happen, they become overly anxious. Their thoughts begin to cycle and they can't stop homing in on this one concern. They become depressed and it interferes with their daily life. What may seem trivial to one person or completely absurd is not to the person affected by this emotional illness. The magnitude of emotional response may seem out of proportion to the situation or it may not make sense at all. What you have to remember is that it makes sense and is justified to the person exhibiting the symptoms of depression.
Which brings me to my next point. When this happens, and you recognize that someone is dealing with depression, it does not do them, or anyone else, any good to belittle the emotion, criticize them for it, minimize it, or point out why that particular emotion is wrong. At this point you have to jump into their reality for a moment. Accept the fact that they are dealing with a real illness, even if it's not an illness of the body, but of the mind. Accept that it's very real to them. Once you accept that, you can stop trying so hard to change it.
I used to think that I was doing something wrong, when I had a friend who was in a depressive state, and I could not "cure" them. I mean, I'm fun to be around, I know them well, I can get a laugh out of them and distract them from whatever's bothering them, right? So why isn't it working? It's frustrating, they're not responding, I must be doing something wrong!
Well, that's not the case. Recognizing that someone is dealing with this doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help. You should encourage them to do uplifting things, you should try to get them out of the house, you should talk to them and let them know that you are there, that you are aware of what's going on, and that you aren't going to leave them all alone just because they aren't responding to you the way you think they should. You should also be prepared to call for some professional help if the problem gets out of hand. This may include drastic measures that they will not thank you for anytime soon. Some people become excellent pretenders. They hide their depression and no one would ever guess what's going on. But if your loved one starts talking about ending things, doing themselves harm, states feelings of worthlessness, and appears to have "checked out"...it's time for some help. Other than that, you just ride it out. You can't pull someone out of it. You can't make them stand up and be active. You can make plans to speak to them later, when they are not in a depressive state, and point out the effect the problem is having on the family, and on you, and you can form a plan of action for the next time it occurs...but you can't "cure" it. All you can do is be there.
That being said, I have to play devil's advocate. There may come a time when you find yourself in a situation with someone who refuses to get help. They refuse to recognize the problem or the damage it's doing to you and your children. At that point, you have a decision to make. If you have talked to this person, begged and pleaded with them to get help, tried every way you can imagine to make them understand and they refuse to listen or get treatment...then you have to decide whose sanity is more important...your own or their's.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Big Man
Someone complained today that I had not written in a while. During the summer I suffer from a lack of material...the kids are always home, and things become static. There's not a lot going on.
A few days ago my husband left on a trip. He'll be gone for two weeks. All of my children miss him, but Logan, especially, has expressed those feelings more so than any of my other children. A couple of days ago he got really out of control, banging things on the floor and making a lot of noise. We had the following conversation:
"Logan, what are you doing?"
"I banging stuff and breaking stuff."
"Why are you banging stuff and breaking stuff?"
"I want daddy."
Wow! I want daddy, but I can't tell you I miss him and wonder where he is and when is he coming back, he isn't here to hold me and spend time with me, I feel frustrated and sad about this so I am going to make a lot of noise and bang something on the floor and hope that somebody gets it.
Over the next few days, he has made the following comments, not all at once, but at different times of the day:
"Where daddy go?"
"I want daddy."
"I want daddy come."
"Daddy go on a trip."
"I want to wear daddy's clothes. I big man."
And that's the other thing. Most little boys have a deep yearning to be like their fathers. They learn by watching what their fathers do, how their fathers speak and how their fathers treat other people, especially their mothers and other siblings. How telling it is, that Logan wants to wear his father's clothes and be the "big man".
I think a lot of times fathers underestimate their influence on their children. After all, as mothers we carry our children within ourselves for nine months, or spend agonizing amounts of time going through the adoption process. We bring our children into our families, we nurture, guide, teach, kiss booboos, yell, cry...their is so much of nurturing, and so much of soul-forming when it comes to motherhood. But I think a father's influence is just as significant...it's quiet, and deep...it's a bedrock that a child can rest on, and years later, they will talk about their fathers as if they were legends of their childhood, "My father always did this, and that's why I do it this way." "My father always said this." "My father worked so hard." "My father always taught me." I think, for all children, but especially for an autistic child, a father's quiet, controlled influence can bring a measure of relief to emotions that are confusing and still forming. A father's tender but firm guidance can ease a child through the most difficult and turbulent situations in that child's life...whether it's a temper tantrum, or a bad day at school, or something far more serious.
The evidence of his father's influence is evident in the way Logan is acting during his father's absence. No father should ever underestimate the hold they have on their children's hearts.
A few days ago my husband left on a trip. He'll be gone for two weeks. All of my children miss him, but Logan, especially, has expressed those feelings more so than any of my other children. A couple of days ago he got really out of control, banging things on the floor and making a lot of noise. We had the following conversation:
"Logan, what are you doing?"
"I banging stuff and breaking stuff."
"Why are you banging stuff and breaking stuff?"
"I want daddy."
Wow! I want daddy, but I can't tell you I miss him and wonder where he is and when is he coming back, he isn't here to hold me and spend time with me, I feel frustrated and sad about this so I am going to make a lot of noise and bang something on the floor and hope that somebody gets it.
Over the next few days, he has made the following comments, not all at once, but at different times of the day:
"Where daddy go?"
"I want daddy."
"I want daddy come."
"Daddy go on a trip."
"I want to wear daddy's clothes. I big man."
And that's the other thing. Most little boys have a deep yearning to be like their fathers. They learn by watching what their fathers do, how their fathers speak and how their fathers treat other people, especially their mothers and other siblings. How telling it is, that Logan wants to wear his father's clothes and be the "big man".
I think a lot of times fathers underestimate their influence on their children. After all, as mothers we carry our children within ourselves for nine months, or spend agonizing amounts of time going through the adoption process. We bring our children into our families, we nurture, guide, teach, kiss booboos, yell, cry...their is so much of nurturing, and so much of soul-forming when it comes to motherhood. But I think a father's influence is just as significant...it's quiet, and deep...it's a bedrock that a child can rest on, and years later, they will talk about their fathers as if they were legends of their childhood, "My father always did this, and that's why I do it this way." "My father always said this." "My father worked so hard." "My father always taught me." I think, for all children, but especially for an autistic child, a father's quiet, controlled influence can bring a measure of relief to emotions that are confusing and still forming. A father's tender but firm guidance can ease a child through the most difficult and turbulent situations in that child's life...whether it's a temper tantrum, or a bad day at school, or something far more serious.
The evidence of his father's influence is evident in the way Logan is acting during his father's absence. No father should ever underestimate the hold they have on their children's hearts.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Neighbor Kid
Some friends of ours live around the corner from us. They have a son who is a few years older than our kids, but he still likes to come over and play games with my older son and daughter on the computer or the X-Box. He seems to have a good time and my kids always ask when "D" can come over again and play.
The thing that impresses me about this neighbor kid is how he treats Logan. He never ignores him and he never looks at him cross-eyed. When he walks in the door, if Logan doesn't reach for him, he says, "Where's my hug?" I've never known him to get impatient with Logan or treat him any differently from the other kids in the house.
I wish all kids could be like this neighbor kid. I've read horrible stories on the news, where some special-needs child gets bullied at the bus top or picked on by classmates to the point where they are almost unable to attend school. And I think a lot of that stems from a lack of awareness or understanding of the differences in other people. If more parents took the time to teach their children that the world is made of diversity, that what makes it function the best is empathy, love, understanding, and acceptance...then we might all live better lives. I'm thankful for this neighbor kid and all the good things he knows and all the good values his parents have instilled in him and his brother...who also comes over here from time to time and exhibits the same sort of patience and understanding. I'm thankful for parents everywhere who teach their children to be kind, to be generous, to be supportive and understanding of others. And I hope that one day, all parents will begin to see the value of sitting down with their children each night, listening with open ears and an open heart, and treating their children like the gifts from God that they are.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What is Required
I mentioned, in a previous blog, that there are people who adopt special needs children, because that's what they want. There are also countless people who work with special needs children on a daily basis, whether it's through physical or another kind of therapy, in the medical field, or in a classroom.
What is required of someone who might want to fill that kind of role, or of someone who wants to parent a special needs child? How is it different from working with or dealing with "normal" children? Here are a few things:
1) You can't be selfish. If you are the kind of person who values personal time, who needs someone to stop and praise you for what you are doing or the kind of job you have, or who needs admiration in order to be fulfilled, then forget about this. Parenting or working with a special needs child has its own rewards, but they are far different from this.
2) You can't be angry. If you are prone to anger, temper tantrums, or mood swings, and you don't know how to control it, then forget about this. These children sense changes in mood like changes in temperature. A raised tone of voice, angry body language, intense emotion...it can all spark anxiety and nervous behavior in an autistic child, or a temper tantrum, and make them that much more difficult. They thrive on calm. They crave peace.
3)You have to be patient. If you are not a patient person, then you will not do well at this. Logan, for example, seems to come up with brand new ways to get under our skin every day. At first it was hard. Now it's "Oh. You broke a dozen eggs on the floor? Here's a mop. Clean it up."
4)There is no you. If you are over focused on your own needs, whether it's sleep, your bank account, the hobby you want to work on, the time you want to spend on the computer, or the fact that you haven't been out with your loved one in two months...guess what? It may happen....but probably not.
5)Appreciate little things. Logan's little triumphs, like understanding a certain concept or communicating in a new way...these are huge things. Even though they're little things.
6)Negativity and complaints...forget about it. It doesn't help. At all. It makes things more stressful.
There is a lot more to it than this. It's a never ending job, raising a child like this. It requires a lot. It requires constant vigilance, constant concern, constant hope, never giving up. If you are not into constants, if you cannot look at children like this and see God in their faces, then this is not the role for you.
What is required of someone who might want to fill that kind of role, or of someone who wants to parent a special needs child? How is it different from working with or dealing with "normal" children? Here are a few things:
1) You can't be selfish. If you are the kind of person who values personal time, who needs someone to stop and praise you for what you are doing or the kind of job you have, or who needs admiration in order to be fulfilled, then forget about this. Parenting or working with a special needs child has its own rewards, but they are far different from this.
2) You can't be angry. If you are prone to anger, temper tantrums, or mood swings, and you don't know how to control it, then forget about this. These children sense changes in mood like changes in temperature. A raised tone of voice, angry body language, intense emotion...it can all spark anxiety and nervous behavior in an autistic child, or a temper tantrum, and make them that much more difficult. They thrive on calm. They crave peace.
3)You have to be patient. If you are not a patient person, then you will not do well at this. Logan, for example, seems to come up with brand new ways to get under our skin every day. At first it was hard. Now it's "Oh. You broke a dozen eggs on the floor? Here's a mop. Clean it up."
4)There is no you. If you are over focused on your own needs, whether it's sleep, your bank account, the hobby you want to work on, the time you want to spend on the computer, or the fact that you haven't been out with your loved one in two months...guess what? It may happen....but probably not.
5)Appreciate little things. Logan's little triumphs, like understanding a certain concept or communicating in a new way...these are huge things. Even though they're little things.
6)Negativity and complaints...forget about it. It doesn't help. At all. It makes things more stressful.
There is a lot more to it than this. It's a never ending job, raising a child like this. It requires a lot. It requires constant vigilance, constant concern, constant hope, never giving up. If you are not into constants, if you cannot look at children like this and see God in their faces, then this is not the role for you.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Just Say No?
I was reading another blog today and someone had written in, asking for help about how to keep their autistic children from climbing all over everything. It reminded me of when Logan was first diagnosed...we could not keep him out of the kitchen sink! We would take him off the counter forty, fifty times, tell him no, it didn't matter...he would climb up there and stay. Finally we bought two baby gates and barred the entrance to the kitchen. People who came over were dumbfounded by the odd look. Who is trying to get in the kitchen? Who are you trying to keep out?
Anyhow, I was reading this blog and all kinds of people wrote in with different answers. One lady actually installed a climbing wall- in her house- and claimed it worked wonders. This is an idea we have actually considered! But the answer that stood out the most to me was from a man who kept yet another blog about autism. His name is Rich Schull and this is what he wrote:
"This is going to be a very odd and strange answer but , as I meet people from all over the autism spectrum including some in their 80s and 90s from my blog, they simply laugh and say gee we were never allowed to do such nonsense and after a few whacks you figured that out. These whacks were never child abuse and I could see where some could see them as that in this day and age but in reality they gave Autism some tough standards to live up to."
I have mixed feelings about this comment. On the one hand, it seems to imply that autistic behaviors are simply a lack of discipline on the part of the caregiver, and that all one needs to do is be tougher, stricter, and have more expectations, and these problems will go away. On the other hand, I find it interesting that yes, there is a whole group of people with spectrum disorders that has never been studied or interviewed. In the eighties, seventies, sixties, decades back forever, autism and other spectrum disorders were almost unheard of. What did autistic children do, back then, what did their teachers do, their parents? What was the stigma associated with it? My own father, I am 99 percent certain, had a spectrum disorder. He was born in 1949, and there were literally NO resources for something that no one ever diagnosed anyway. It would be interesting to seek these people out, to find out what challenges they faced and what the growing up experience was like for them.
As far as discipline goes...do we have a tendency, as parents of autistic children, to throw our hands up in air and say, Well, he's going to just do that anyway, I'm tired of fighting it...or He's disabled, he simply can't help it (which is sometimes true!) I don't think that just because a child has a disability, our expectations of what the child is capable of should fly out the window. With my own son, it is a long, hard road of repetition. You set boundaries, you make it known to him what is allowed or not allowed. That doesn't mean that's the end of it. You're dealing with a child whose understanding of consequence is nil, whose idea of emotion is extremely limited, whose capacity for empathy is buried under a mountain of stimuli. So you tell him. You show him. Again. And again. And yet again. One day, he gets it. What you can't do, is give up, because it involves more than just simply saying no and smacking him on the bum. It's patience, it's endurance, it's knowing that this time, when he misbehaved, when he broke that window or made that mess or picked on his sister, this time is not the last time, and it won't be the last time...not for a long time.
Anyhow, I was reading this blog and all kinds of people wrote in with different answers. One lady actually installed a climbing wall- in her house- and claimed it worked wonders. This is an idea we have actually considered! But the answer that stood out the most to me was from a man who kept yet another blog about autism. His name is Rich Schull and this is what he wrote:
"This is going to be a very odd and strange answer but , as I meet people from all over the autism spectrum including some in their 80s and 90s from my blog, they simply laugh and say gee we were never allowed to do such nonsense and after a few whacks you figured that out. These whacks were never child abuse and I could see where some could see them as that in this day and age but in reality they gave Autism some tough standards to live up to."
I have mixed feelings about this comment. On the one hand, it seems to imply that autistic behaviors are simply a lack of discipline on the part of the caregiver, and that all one needs to do is be tougher, stricter, and have more expectations, and these problems will go away. On the other hand, I find it interesting that yes, there is a whole group of people with spectrum disorders that has never been studied or interviewed. In the eighties, seventies, sixties, decades back forever, autism and other spectrum disorders were almost unheard of. What did autistic children do, back then, what did their teachers do, their parents? What was the stigma associated with it? My own father, I am 99 percent certain, had a spectrum disorder. He was born in 1949, and there were literally NO resources for something that no one ever diagnosed anyway. It would be interesting to seek these people out, to find out what challenges they faced and what the growing up experience was like for them.
As far as discipline goes...do we have a tendency, as parents of autistic children, to throw our hands up in air and say, Well, he's going to just do that anyway, I'm tired of fighting it...or He's disabled, he simply can't help it (which is sometimes true!) I don't think that just because a child has a disability, our expectations of what the child is capable of should fly out the window. With my own son, it is a long, hard road of repetition. You set boundaries, you make it known to him what is allowed or not allowed. That doesn't mean that's the end of it. You're dealing with a child whose understanding of consequence is nil, whose idea of emotion is extremely limited, whose capacity for empathy is buried under a mountain of stimuli. So you tell him. You show him. Again. And again. And yet again. One day, he gets it. What you can't do, is give up, because it involves more than just simply saying no and smacking him on the bum. It's patience, it's endurance, it's knowing that this time, when he misbehaved, when he broke that window or made that mess or picked on his sister, this time is not the last time, and it won't be the last time...not for a long time.
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