This afternoon, my daughter and I went to pick up a friend of hers. After said friend got into the van, my daughter introduced Logan this way: This is Logan. He has autism.
I completely understand why she did this. She was anticipating out of the norm behavior from her brother and wanted to head off any misunderstandings before they happened. But, the introduction actually upset Logan, who started yelling. He hates the word "autism". His reaction whenever he hears it confirms his feelings.
So I started thinking about the number of times I tried to do the same thing...head off misunderstandings with an explanatory introduction, and realized today that I've been completely and utterly wrong. This would be the same thing as saying, "This is Susie. She had her legs amputated." or "This is Joe. He's blind." Because what you're doing, when you do something like that, is making the person's disability part of their identity, and that's just plain wrong, because it's not who they are.
I've also had a lot of people, when they go to speak to Logan, look at me first as if to say, Am I doing this right? Do I talk to him? What do I say? What if he yells at me?
So, this entry is being written to set the record straight. There are certain rules to follow when you're dealing with a person on the autistic spectrum, and some of them coincide with the way you treat anyone with a disability. This is what you do:
You treat them like you would want to be treated.
Wow. Glad I cleared that up.
Seriously, though. Here's the deal. Don't assume, that just because someone has limited or no speech, that they have a limited or non-existent IQ. They may utter things that make no sense to you. Trust me when I say that they may actually know what they want to say, but what comes out of their mouth is completely different and it's a huge source of frustration to them. A lot of people (kids, adults, teens, tweens) on the spectrum understand that they are different and know that they have limitations socially. So, when speaking to a person on the spectrum, use their name, tell them yours, ask them how they are, do not talk down to them as if they are a two year old (unless they are, in fact, two), do not speak about them as if they aren't in the room, and you may even offer your hand.
They may not take your hand. Some people on the spectrum hate to be touched. Don't be offended if they ignore the gesture. Above all, don't grab their hand and shake it hard, or grasp it firmly. This is counter-intuitive to what one might do in a social situation, but doing any of those two things might actually cause them physical pain if they are extra-sensitive to touch. This also means that clapping them on the back, hugging them, or squeezing their shoulder is off-limits. If you're not sure, ask first. May I give you a hug? May I shake your hand? Lots of people don't enjoy being touched, and that includes "normal" people.
Some people on the spectrum also don't like large crowds of people. They find it distracting and too noisy. My own son, Logan, has extra-sensitive ears and can only tolerate certain types of noises. Don't be offended if the person on the spectrum actually gets up and leaves. They're not ignoring you or trying to be unfriendly. They need to leave in order to calm down.
When hosting a social gathering, be sensitive to any guests on the spectrum. For instance, at a wedding reception, a guest may bring a child that is on the spectrum. There may be an adult on the spectrum. Sometimes it's hard to tell because guess what? Autistic people look like everyone else and it's hard to know what the issue is until you get a full explanation. So, if you are hosting a social gathering, be sensitive to any guests that may be dealing with this by providing a place that they can retreat to if the crowd becomes too noisy or the music is too loud. This may mean pointing the way to a spare bedroom with soft lighting and a closed door or putting a couple of chairs outside away from the gathering. Whatever it is, it needs to be a place where they can go and get control of sensory over-stimulation before rejoining the group.
Finally, how do you talk to someone on the spectrum? Just speak to them like you would a "normal" person. You will, undoubtedly, have some interesting conversations. Please, don't raise your eyebrows or roll your eyes if the conversation takes an unusual twist that doesn't make sense to you. Go with the flow. Be polite. Above all else, be kind. My family members and closest friends set a great example. They speak to Logan like they would speak to everyone else, enjoy conversations when he's willing to have them and ignore behavior that falls outside the norm.
Now that I've put in my two cents. I'm going to go back to how this started. Sometimes, especially if you have a child with behavioral issues, an explanation is necessary. The week before, we picked up another friend from a different house and Logan was having a hard time in the van. He was making a lot of noise. As the friend's mother walked up to the window, I got out of the van to introduce myself. I pointed out my daughter Abby, and I said, "This is my son, Logan." He continued to make noises and I quickly, (and quietly) said, "He has autism. That's why he's behaving this way today."
Most people are very understanding. I don't worry so much about the ones who aren't. They are few and far between and I am ashamed to say, I used to be one of those people. Now I'm not, and I'm glad.
Now, dear readers, I've got a three year old begging me to read to her. Until next time.
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