On Saturday someone in our neighborhood was having a yard sale. As we drove by I noticed that they had a leather wing chair sitting in their driveway. When we got home I gave my oldest son and daughter each a couple of bucks to spend and said, While you're down there, ask them how much that chair is.
A little while later my daughter rushed into the house to tell me that my son was on his way home with the chair, trying to carry it, and that he had bought the chair with some money he earned doing yard work. He said he just wanted me to have it. It's sitting in our living room right now. It was incredibly thoughtful and sweet of him to do this, but he ended up straining his back in the process and spent Sunday morning and afternoon sleeping and taking aspirin. He tried to carry a heavy load and hurt himself.
Of course, you can see the analogy in this. When we overload ourselves, we get hurt. We get worn out, tired, bent out of shape, physically and emotionally drained. Sometimes, it's necessary to say no...to social obligations, to housework or other chores or errands that can wait until later, or it's necessary to delegate responsibilities sometimes while you deal with a personal crisis (even if that crisis is the fact that you only slept two hours and you're afraid to get behind the wheel of a car). Sometimes it's necessary to put everything on hold while you rest and recharge. This is not laziness. This is healthy. This is taking care of yourself so that you are in the best shape you can be, mentally and emotionally and physically, to take care of the people who depend on you and need you.
A flip side exists to this philosophy, of course, and it involves the people that you say "no" to. Some people are very understanding. They've been there, they know what it means to raise children or they realize that you're seriously not a flake, you just have a lot on your plate. It's the other people I'm talking about....the demanding people. I had a friend I was very close to at one time. When her birthday rolled around, I missed it, because I was in the ER with a serious infection. I texted happy birthday to her and I don't remember if I got a reply. I was in so much pain there wasn't a lot else I was focused on at the moment. I didn't hear from her until Christmas, when she texted me that she missed me and Merry Christmas, etc. I texted back that I missed her too. Christmas, being one of the most difficult times of year for me, was particularly rough that year. I avoided people. I tried to focus on my family. But I think she got her feelings hurt because she never returned my phone calls or text messages after that. I finally caught up with her and apologized for not being the friend she needed, and told her I had missed her, and asked her if there was anything I could do for her since her health was suffering. "Oh no. I'm fine. You're busy." "Well, if you need something, just call and ask, and if I can possibly do it, I will." "No, you'll be busy."
I have to say that this was like a slap in the face to me. I had done the best I could. And I wondered how many times we do this to people...friends, family members...who are so overloaded they are almost drowning, and then we punish them for trying to swim and for not giving us what we think we deserve from them. It's true I had been busy...with school, kids (a baby and Logan), church, family. I had done the best I could to stay in touch with her, but it wasn't enough. At that point, what can you do? What I learned from that experience and others is that some relationships are really toxic. If someone drags you down, makes you feel worthless, makes you feel ashamed because in their eyes, you aren't good enough or you're not doing things the way they think you need to do them, or consistently gives you a hard time for perceived failures on your part, then it's time to go. It's time to stop trying with that person. Stop trying to keep them in your life, when keeping them there is such work in the first place. If they expect you to jump through hoops for them, and you do that, and they still aren't happy, then what the hell are you hanging around for? Genuine people will genuinely understand that you keeping the important commitments you have and taking care of your responsibilities as a mother or father is not a personal commentary on how you feel about them or your friendship. Genuine, unselfish people will still be there when you stop and say, You know what, I really need to breathe. And they won't hold it against you when you actually do.
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