Post Script to Take Back Your Life

There's one other thing that I forgot to add to the post last night.  If you're in a relationship and you experience a lot of fear, then that is a huge red flag.  Fear comes in a lot of forms, but the fear that I'm talking about are these kinds of fears, specifically:

1) You're afraid to talk about how you really feel.  If you don't feel like you can talk to your spouse/significant other/family member about your true feelings regarding their behavior/a situation/your opinion, then that is a problem.  Real relationships are built on love and respect, as in a person can lovingly or respectfully disagree with you.  But if they get angry when you speak your  mind, look out.

2) You're afraid to draw boundaries. If you're uncomfortable with something that they're doing, you should be able to speak up and say, Hey, can you stop or Hey, I don't really like that, it scares me/hurts me/makes me uncomfortable.  If they get angry at you for drawing a boundary, again, you have a serious problem on your hands.  Someone who really loves you won't continue behavior that makes you sad or hurts you.  Someone who likes to control you will get angry at you for "breaking the rules" or "stepping out of line".

3) You're afraid of making a mistake.  This can be any "mistake".  You forgot the milk at the store, and you are petrified because you know they're going to get mad. You didn't iron his shirt right, or fold it correctly.  You drove your car too far.  You didn't clean the house properly.  It can be anything that makes you nervous/anxious/worried about potential fallout and anger directed at you. That is no way to live.

There is a wonderful book that I love.  It's called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.  This book talks about how fear can be an intuitive tool that tells you things about yourself and other people.  I also recommend practicing a little mindfulness.  If you find yourself feeling this way, stop for a moment and really examine why you feel like that.  Then ask yourself if you would make your best friend feel the way you are feeling right in that moment.  If the answer is no, that you would never treat anyone like that, then ask yourself why you feel you deserve to be treated that way.

Take Back Your Life

I deviate from the subject of Logan tonight after a conversation with a close friend. 

Every now and then I like to revisit this one particular subject, because it's near and dear to my heart.  It amazes me that in the year 2016, women are still manipulated, abused, and treated like lesser creatures.

Do you know the signs of emotional abuse?  Could you recognize it if you were in an emotionally abusive relationship?  Some of the signs are really obvious:  if someone is in your face, yelling and screaming and telling you how worthless you are, then obviously, you are in that type of relationship.  Some of the other signs are more subtle, and because they don't all happen at once, or they may not occur every day, it's easy to let them go, make excuses for abuser.  So, here are the signs.  I get this list from http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse, but you can find similar lists on other sites that deal with abuse.  I'm not going to list all of them here, but the major ones are pretty good indications that you need to examine your relationship more closely:

1) You are too sensitive!!  They will say this if you have a problem with something they've said.

2) They will try to control the money.

3) Apologies?  Please.  They will never apologize for anything they've said or done, and if they do, it may be sarcastic, or they may turn the tables on you and try to make you feel like it's your fault.  They are incapable of owning any wrong they've done.  It's much more comfortable for them to use you as a scapegoat, because admitting that they've done wrong destroys the image they have of themselves.

4) They make fun of your goals and dreams.  Do you get excited about something, and try to share it with them?  Do they immediately shoot it down, or tell you why it's a bad idea, or poke holes in your logic on purpose?  Do they have problems sharing your enthusiasm about anything?  

5) Sarcasm is the by-word.  Don't get me wrong, some people are sarcastic by nature, or cynical, and that's just their nature.  But if they use it on you often, especially in order to make you feel stupid, then that's a problem.

6) There's a lot wrong with you.  At least in their estimation.  They like to point out your flaws, correct your behavior and even your moods, bring up past mistakes over and over so that you can continue to feel guilty, or otherwise treat you as if you are a child.  

7) They are uncomfortable with any negative emotions that you may express.  In other words, you're not allowed to ever be angry with them, but they can express anger at you.  And if you're depressed?  They may tolerate it for a little while, or make fun of it, or tell you it's time to "stop".

8) They will embarrass you in front of other people.  For real.

9) Sometimes, they're nice.  It keeps you off-balance, right?

10) They cannot tolerate criticism.  Try to point out something they're doing to you, and they will come back with ten things you did to them, as if this justifies their behavior.

Does this sound like your relationship?  Then I am going to also tell you this:

There is nothing wrong with you.  At all.  

So why don't you leave?  Why don't the thousands of women trapped in these relationships leave?

Because there are kids involved.

Because he might change.

Because you deserve it.

Because you might not find anyone else, ever again.

You can probably find a million reasons, right?  Because change is scary.  Standing up for yourself is scary.

So I am also going to tell you this:  You don't deserve this.  You are a daughter of God.  Take back your life.  Even if it means all you've got is the clothes on your back, get out of there, leave, make a new life, go to the police if you need to.  Just get out of it.  And live.  Free.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:  1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 

A picture I took of Logan in the woods near our home last summer.  That was the summer that we we discovered new swimming holes, went to the natatorium, and found hidden places...how much can change in a year...

I have nothing to say tonight except that I finally went to see "Finding Dory" and really could have used about fifty boxes of Kleenex.  I will probably never, ever watch it again.

Always the Storm

I'm working on the calm part.  Sort of.

One of These Days

My dad hated the beach.  Whenever the hot weather hit, his skin seemed to automatically turn red, if not from being out in the sun, then from the irritation of being uncomfortable during his least favorite season.  This is why we vacationed in the mountains every year.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it.  Those summer vacations are childhood treasures that I'll always appreciate and never let go of.

But I'm the opposite of Dad.  I love the beach.  I love the ocean.  If you were to ask me what, in particular, draws me to it, I could never give you a specific answer.  The tides, maybe?  The moon, at night?  The smell, or the possibility of finding something in the sand.  Or maybe just the knowledge that the water is teeming with life.  

Today is a day when I miss the beach.  I wish I was there, with my toes in the sand.  The one time in my life when I felt completely and utterly at peace, besides being in a temple, was on a beach in Playa Del Carmen.  I had nowhere to be and no obligation to fulfill that day.  I just had a chair, and the water, and the sand.  And that was enough for me, in that moment.

One of these days, when life calms down again, when things aren't so crazy and hectic, I'll pack a suitcase, and start exploring.  One of these days.