Fifty Shades of Idiocy

Well, I couldn't find a graphic for this post, but it doesn't matter.  Valentine's Day is here again.  It's my least favorite holiday.  Mostly because the plethora of candy hearts and sicky sweet sentiments burns my eyes and makes me want to break my diet, but also because if you love someone, shiny hearts and doe eyed looks should be a last resort. But I digress.

Everyone knows that Fifty Shades of Gray comes out this weekend.  With the advent of this non-romantic, ridiculously trumped up flick comes a lot of confused guys who want to know if women are really into this stuff and if so, what in the heck is so exciting about it?

Well, I can't speak for all women, of course.  I can only speak for myself and with the assurance that I know my friends and family well enough to know what they think.  And the answer, gentlemen, is, No, we are not into it, and no, it is not exciting.

There's a group of women, obviously, who buy into this.  They think it's fun and kinky and daring to have a relationship like this.  But here's the deal.  It won't last.  Somebody will, inevitably, get hurt.  Lines will be crossed.  And it's not real.  It's playacting at its absolute worst, it's a distortion in the biggest sense of what a relationship should be, and it kills me to see women who settle for it.  Is your life really so vapid that you need to seek out something that will turn you into an empty-headed moron who is afraid to so much as blink for fear of angering her other half?  Oh, it's pretend?  Well, that just makes it so much better.  And so much more fulfilling than spending time actually getting to know someone and finding out if they're the right one for you, or falling in love with your spouse all over again.

The best thing women can do for themselves this Valentine's Day is this:  Do not see this movie.  Do not read this book.  Do not buy into the message that this is your fate.  Do not buy into the message that this sort of thing is harmless, and do not settle for less than what you deserve, which is a man who will love you and treat you like his equal.  The end, and Happy Valentine's Day.

sometimes there's so much i want to say that i'm at a loss for words

Quote of the Day

Shattered Sight: An Addendum

I would like to add something to my post from yesterday entitled "Shattered Sight".  In that post, I expressed that having a child with autism or other disability, or having a spouse with ad/hd, can have a lasting negative impact on a marriage if these issues are not confronted and dealt with correctly.  

What I would like to add is that mental illness and behavioral disorders are largely misunderstood in the United States.  Personally, mental illness is to me the same as any other disease.  It can be treated and it can be controlled It requires not only the intervention of a skilled mental health professional, but also the willingness of the patient to admit that there is, in fact, a problem, and it requires that the patient has a support group of family and friends who are there to offer love and support during treatment and throughout life.

Mood disorders, behavioral disorders, mental illness, and other types of disorders that affect decision making, attention, social interaction, and intimate relationships are becoming more commonplace in our society. To say that autism and ad/hd will have an affect on a marriage is an understatement. This truth can be applied to any of the other disorders/illnesses aforementioned.  Problems can and will occur if the disorder or illness is never diagnosed or acknowledged, if the non-afflicted spouse refuses to accept that there is a problem that needs to be addressed or is impatient and refuses to understand, or if the spouse who suffers from it refuses to take responsibility for treatment and continued care.

In the United States, our prisons and our streets our filled with people who suffer from mental illness in one form or another.  Schizophrenics are especially vulnerable because the illness affects perception and executive functioning.  It's difficult to convince someone they need help if they're already suspicious of you from the get-go. Solving the mental health crisis in America begins at home.  It involves recognition, acceptance, and action.  It means that families have a responsibility to work together to deal with the situation, and that the individual who has the disorder is not alone on their journey to a healthier life.

 

Shattered Sight

My daughter and I love the TV series "Once Upon A Time".  We love it because it's whimsical, and it takes all of the fairy tale characters and weaves their stories together into something everyone can relate to.  Snow White isn't perfect, and the Evil Queen has some good hidden deep down inside.  In the end, in spite of all their magical powers and true love, they're all just people who change and evolve over time.

The end of season four saw the casting of a dreadful curse called "Shattered Sight".  The Snow Queen, out of hurt and anger, a desire for revenge and love and also because of her own twisted personality, cast an evil spell called "The Curse of Shattered Sight".  It engulfed the entire town and caused everyone to see the worst in each other.  People began to fight.  They hurled insults, they broke things, and things just got uglier and uglier.

Sometimes, if you're not careful, you can become a victim of "shattered sight" in your own marriage.  This is especially true if you have a child with autism or one or both of you deals with adult ad/hd.  While the divorce rate for couples with an autistic child is about the same as couples who have "normal" children, the stress levels within that marriage are certainly higher.  This can be due to a number of factors, but in my humble opinion, the prevailing factor would be that the special needs child requires much more attention and flexibility than other children.  This impacts the search for caregivers if parents want a night out, and it also impacts the attention the parents pay to each other.  Parenting a special needs child is exhausting.  At the end of the day is difficult to have any kind of energy or to even want to "court" your spouse.  You just got done with a two hour temper tantrum.  You don't want to know how another person's day was.

The other factor, adult ad/hd, is actually much more lethal to a marriage.  People with ad/hd experience divorce rates at twice the norm for couples who don't deal with it (Melissa Orlov, The Ad/Hd Effect on Marriage).  This is especially true if the ad/hd is undiagnosed or the person who suffers from it won't admit that it's a factor in marital problems.  These problems occur mainly because of misunderstandings.  The ad/hd spouse doesn't understand the frustration that his/her non-ad/hd spouse exhibits on an almost daily basis.  The non-ad/hd spouse doesn't understand how his/her spouse's brain works, why they forget things, why sex is not a big deal to them, why they sometimes over-react in a tense or angry situation, and so forth.  Soon this series of mis-communications develops into a an ever-widening gulf of resentment and avoidance.  At that point it's easy to view one's spouse in the worst light possible, to criticize, to judge, and to assume that the spouse doesn't care or want to understand.  Pretty soon any tender or sweet feelings you may have had toward your spouse evaporate, and there's not a lot left to work with.

So what's the cure for these types of issues?  In the case of autism, it's helpful to understand that all parents who receive this diagnosis for their child do go through a basic three step grieving process (Stage Theory Cycle, Gargiulo).  Upon receiving the diagnosis that their child has a disability, often in the profound sense, parents will experience a sense of shock and denial accompanied by grief and depression.  This is followed by guilt, anger, shame, or just ambivalence.  The final stage is acceptance and adaptation.  The problem is that two parents will go through this cycle, but they will not experience it in the same way or experience it "together".  They may often find themselves hopping back and forth between feelings, and some never reach the third stage at all. (Metcalf and Gargiulo, Teaching in Today's Inclusive Classrooms, p170) The best thing that parents can do, upon learning that they have a child with a disability, is to recognize that they will adapt to and understand the situation best if they agree, then and there, that they will handle it as a team.  This means respecting each other's feelings and frustrations, even when they're not shared by the other party.  It means recognizing that the adaptation must take place together, and that the two of them are each other's best support group.  Sadly, this isn't always the case and many parents find themselves floating on the sea of autism alone, when they should have been swimming together all along.

In the case of ad/hd, I cannot stress enough how important it is for the non-ad/hd spouse to educate him/herself about this condition.  It's more than not paying attention.  There are a variety of factors and complications that accompany ad/hd.  According to Dr. Daniel Amen who founded the Amen Clinic, there are also several sub-types of ad/hd.  On the flip side of that coin, the ad/hd spouse must recognize that the condition does have a profound impact on marriage.  Making an effort to understand the non-ad/hd spouse and why they react a certain way to these factors will go a long way toward mending hurt feelings. In either case, a monumental effort is required in order for the marriage to work.  The non-ad/hd spouse should refrain from criticism.  The ad/hd spouse should recognize that his/her partner is probably doing the best they can and may not understand everything the partner is going through.

In conclusion, the easy way out is to not deal with the problems in a marriage.  The easy way is to blame, to make excuses, to refuse to take responsibility, and to see the other person as their worst self.  The easy way out is to hide mistakes, to drift away, to stop communicating.  The hard way, and the best way, is to dig your heels in and refuse defeat.  In some cases, this may not be possible.  My hope is that someone reading this will be uplifted and inspired to get the help they need. Curses can be broken.  But sometimes it takes a village.

All Together

After wrangling with our local MHMR group over services for Logan and finding that there really wasn't a lot available in town for people with disabilities to receive support, I decided to just start my own group.

I contacted the director of our ISD special ed department and the school was supportive.  Uninvolved, but supportive.

The first meeting was held October or November (I'm  not sure now...this has been such a stressful year that some things just blur together).  I can't tell you how nervous I was to get up in front of a group of people (even though it was small group and people I knew) and just start talking.  But then, an amazing thing happened.  People opened up.  People got comfortable.  By the end of it they had smiles on their faces and they are still telling me how glad they are that we started it.

Last week we had our first "planning" meeting.  We picked a name for our group and we also discussed some things that we would like to see happen in the upcoming year.  The focus of our group is to provide support for parents and caregivers of children with disabilities, and to foster that support in an accepting and positive atmosphere.  We also want to make an impact in our community and gain more members.    I'm excited to grow this resource for people with autism and other disabilities, and I know our other founders are, too.

“Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6