The church that I attend is a family church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints places a great deal of importance on the family...on strengthening the family, supporting the family, keeping the family together, etc. Even so, I have still been amazed at times by couples whose children have long ago grown and moved away, who say things like, "Children should sit in the back."
Now, just so there is not a misunderstanding, I do want you to know that I understand that when dealing with different generations of people, some do have the attitude of "children should be seen and not heard". Especially in a reverent setting, such as a sacrament meeting, I can completely understand that people come there to rejuvenate spiritually, and that a loud and disruptive child can affect that.
An exception does exist to every rule, however. We rarely bring Logan to church. The noise from the organ, multiple conversations going on at once, the silence of the sacrament being passed and then the break from that to people speaking...it wreaks havoc on his senses. Most of the time, he can make it through that meeting by playing with his dad's Kindle Fire or covering his head up with a blanket. One particular Sunday, a couple of weeks ago, he was having a very hard time. He very loudly asked to go home and got very upset because the hat to his Woody doll got lost. The only way we could get him out of the chapel was to promise him we would go look for it. That's the thing about autism and Logan. He also displays a lot of OCD tendencies. The hat goes on Woody's head. If the hat isn't there then it's a crisis. The same thing with the shower curtain in the bathroom. There has to be a shower curtain there, and if it's not there, he will hang a blanket there.
In the midst of this disturbance and our desperate attempts to get it under control, an older gentleman turned around in his seat and glared at our family. I didn't know that this happened until later, when a friend of mine gave me a hug and expressed sympathy for what had occurred. She felt the man was being very rude. (He was). I realized later that this same man, who has trouble getting around, ignored my efforts to hold the door open for him, brushed past me, and didn't answer me when I spoke to him.
I am writing about this, not because I care what this man thinks of me, but because his behavior appalls me. All I can say to him, and to anyone who treats a struggling family in this manner, is this: shame on you. Shame on you, for your immaturity. Shame on you for your lack of empathy. Shame on you, for sitting in judgement against a mother, and her family, who are obviously dealing with a difficult situation.
At the same time, I can understand. I'm embarrassed to say that before I had Logan I was a lot like this man. I would go to a store, or to church, and witness a screaming, crying child, and shake my head at the parents who obviously didn't know how to parent and who could not control them. Not anymore. What Logan has taught me is that you don't do that. You don't look at someone, and make assumptions based on just what you are seeing. There is so much more than meets the eye, to anyone, to what they are doing, to how they're reacting.
It would be so easy to never attend church. I think of this often. It would be so easy to stop trying, and to stay home, and let Logan run around and stim and not try to expose him to a spiritual atmosphere. It would be easy to never have to worry, again, about people who are lacking in empathy or understanding, who are simply ignorant of children like my son. But I don't go to church for them. And if this individual, or any other, decides that glaring at our family in irritation over something my son can't control will help, all I can say is they'll find me gazing right back at them.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Heroes
Today while we were out running errands, we (meaning myself and my four kids) went to a local grocery store. While we were there, Logan picked out a WWF action figure that he wanted.
When we got into the car, I asked him, "Logan, who is that?" He held up the figure with a big grin on his face and said, "That is Daddy!"
It occurred to me that every action figure that Logan has ever owned, whether it was a superhero, or an army guy, or this WWF one, has been "Daddy". I started thinking about what that really meant. And what that means is that Logan's daddy is the central male figure in his life. He never identifies these figures as our neighbor, or his uncle, or a teacher. These action figures, in their various appearances and roles, are always "Daddy".
I think sometimes that fathers underrate themselves, and don't realize the important influence they have on their children's lives. As mothers, we get a lot of attention. We carry the babies for nine months. We bring them into the world. When they're sick, they almost always want "mommy", when they're hungry, we prepare their food. We dress them, we clothe them, we sing to them and we nurture them. What we do as mothers is important, there's no doubt about that.
But what about dad? I cannot speak for other families, but in our own, Logan's father works long hours. He comes home from work and comes in the house with a smile on his face every time. He greets the kids, and says he's glad to see them. Logan dances around him and says, "Hi, big guy!" And what I see on his face is adoration. When something breaks, and we don't know what to do, Logan's dad fixes it. (I hold the firm belief that he can fix absolutely anything, even though he says this is not the case.) He builds things. He takes care of problems. He spends times with the kids. He comforts us when we're sad, in a "buck up, this is no big deal" kind of way. He has another job he goes to on the weekends sometimes. When we go to church, he is right there next to Logan, distracting him with some sort of gadget, then taking him home when everything becomes too overwhelming. He picks up the heavy burdens in my life and he makes them easier to bear.
In short, he is a hero. And I think that's what Logan is seeing when he looks at these little action figures. He sees these images of strong men, who are capable of all kinds of things...and he thinks, Oh, that's daddy. And he's my hero.
When we got into the car, I asked him, "Logan, who is that?" He held up the figure with a big grin on his face and said, "That is Daddy!"
It occurred to me that every action figure that Logan has ever owned, whether it was a superhero, or an army guy, or this WWF one, has been "Daddy". I started thinking about what that really meant. And what that means is that Logan's daddy is the central male figure in his life. He never identifies these figures as our neighbor, or his uncle, or a teacher. These action figures, in their various appearances and roles, are always "Daddy".
I think sometimes that fathers underrate themselves, and don't realize the important influence they have on their children's lives. As mothers, we get a lot of attention. We carry the babies for nine months. We bring them into the world. When they're sick, they almost always want "mommy", when they're hungry, we prepare their food. We dress them, we clothe them, we sing to them and we nurture them. What we do as mothers is important, there's no doubt about that.
But what about dad? I cannot speak for other families, but in our own, Logan's father works long hours. He comes home from work and comes in the house with a smile on his face every time. He greets the kids, and says he's glad to see them. Logan dances around him and says, "Hi, big guy!" And what I see on his face is adoration. When something breaks, and we don't know what to do, Logan's dad fixes it. (I hold the firm belief that he can fix absolutely anything, even though he says this is not the case.) He builds things. He takes care of problems. He spends times with the kids. He comforts us when we're sad, in a "buck up, this is no big deal" kind of way. He has another job he goes to on the weekends sometimes. When we go to church, he is right there next to Logan, distracting him with some sort of gadget, then taking him home when everything becomes too overwhelming. He picks up the heavy burdens in my life and he makes them easier to bear.
In short, he is a hero. And I think that's what Logan is seeing when he looks at these little action figures. He sees these images of strong men, who are capable of all kinds of things...and he thinks, Oh, that's daddy. And he's my hero.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Self vs Selfishness
A few weeks ago I took my two oldest children and the baby to the Ft Worth Zoo. It was home school day at the zoo, and I viewed it as an opportunity to spend time with them that I don't normally get to spend. I didn't feel guilty about not taking Logan. I never know how he is going to react in a new and different place, especially a place with so much sensory input. He may have loved it and wanted to stay all day. Or he might have begged to go home five minutes after we got there. Either way, it was best to take him at a different time. But that's not what this entry is about.
We took a lot of pictures. I had my son take a picture of me, I took pictures of them, and we had a great time. When I got home I looked at the pictures and was dismayed by what I saw. I didn't like my appearance. I had gained some weight, with the help of a certain dessert at Sonic, and now I was paying the price.
I thought of Logan. When you're the mom of a child that is bound to live with you for the rest of your life, you really do want to live forever. The uncertainty of what may happen to that child after you're gone is a strong motivation for sticking around. We don't have the luxury of living recklessly, in our thoughts, our diets, or our lifestyle. Too much is on the line.
I started taking time for myself. Every morning, I decided to get up and spend some time simply exercising. I took the time to take a shower and do my hair and makeup, even if I knew I wasn't going anywhere, simply because it made me feel better to know I was taking care of myself. I started trying to make better choices about what I was eating. And I do all of this, not with the focus of losing weight, but with the focus of being more healthy, feeling better, and being around for my kids. In fact, I hardly ever use a scale. Scales can be so misleading. A lot of women think that if they don't weigh 110 pounds, then that must mean they're fat. The problem with this is that muscle actually weighs more than fat. When you start exercising, you burn fat, but you're also adding muscle. Judging myself by a number just didn't add up for me. Instead, I used a pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that I'd kept since I gave birth to my now 11-year old daughter. I loved those jeans. Couldn't zip 'em up or snap 'em. Until this week.
I think it's sad that a lot of mothers have the attitude that if they take time for themselves, if they let someone watch their children for an hour, if they spend a little money on their hair or take the time to do their makeup, then they feel they are taking time away from their children or they're being selfish. I've found the opposite is very true. If I don't feel good about myself, because I'm not doing those things, then I'm not the best mom. I don't feel as confident, I feel cranky, I don't feel good physically, and that affects my children. I'm also setting an example for them by how I care for myself...if they see that mom doesn't care about her appearance, then why should they?
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, of which I am a member, we are taught that every person has a divine nature. That each person is of worth individually, that each person has unique abilities and talents, each person has something to offer, and that each girl or woman is a precious daughter of God. And if I am a precious daughter of God, then so too is every mother and every daughter on this earth. Investing time in yourself is not selfish. It's necessary in order to be the best mother that you can be.
We took a lot of pictures. I had my son take a picture of me, I took pictures of them, and we had a great time. When I got home I looked at the pictures and was dismayed by what I saw. I didn't like my appearance. I had gained some weight, with the help of a certain dessert at Sonic, and now I was paying the price.
I thought of Logan. When you're the mom of a child that is bound to live with you for the rest of your life, you really do want to live forever. The uncertainty of what may happen to that child after you're gone is a strong motivation for sticking around. We don't have the luxury of living recklessly, in our thoughts, our diets, or our lifestyle. Too much is on the line.
I started taking time for myself. Every morning, I decided to get up and spend some time simply exercising. I took the time to take a shower and do my hair and makeup, even if I knew I wasn't going anywhere, simply because it made me feel better to know I was taking care of myself. I started trying to make better choices about what I was eating. And I do all of this, not with the focus of losing weight, but with the focus of being more healthy, feeling better, and being around for my kids. In fact, I hardly ever use a scale. Scales can be so misleading. A lot of women think that if they don't weigh 110 pounds, then that must mean they're fat. The problem with this is that muscle actually weighs more than fat. When you start exercising, you burn fat, but you're also adding muscle. Judging myself by a number just didn't add up for me. Instead, I used a pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that I'd kept since I gave birth to my now 11-year old daughter. I loved those jeans. Couldn't zip 'em up or snap 'em. Until this week.
I think it's sad that a lot of mothers have the attitude that if they take time for themselves, if they let someone watch their children for an hour, if they spend a little money on their hair or take the time to do their makeup, then they feel they are taking time away from their children or they're being selfish. I've found the opposite is very true. If I don't feel good about myself, because I'm not doing those things, then I'm not the best mom. I don't feel as confident, I feel cranky, I don't feel good physically, and that affects my children. I'm also setting an example for them by how I care for myself...if they see that mom doesn't care about her appearance, then why should they?
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, of which I am a member, we are taught that every person has a divine nature. That each person is of worth individually, that each person has unique abilities and talents, each person has something to offer, and that each girl or woman is a precious daughter of God. And if I am a precious daughter of God, then so too is every mother and every daughter on this earth. Investing time in yourself is not selfish. It's necessary in order to be the best mother that you can be.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
You Got a Question, I Got an Answer!
A while ago...I don't know...maybe it's been a year, or something...I posted a list of questions or facts about Logan and his autism. I don't remember what the list says and I'm too darn lazy to look it up right now. But I think it's about time for such a list once more. I still get asked many questions about Logan, his appearance, his behavior, and autism in general. So here are some of my favorite questions, and the answers that go with them:
1) He's autistic, isn't he? Yes, he is.
2) What happened to his face? Did he fall off his bike? or, my favorite, usually from old people who can't see well: "Somebody had himself some kool aid!" He didn't drink too much kool aid, he didn't fall off his bike, he doesn't have food caked around his mouth. When Logan gets anxious...and he gets very, very anxious in certain situations, he licks his lips. Around and around and around. Constantly. And his lips become dry and chapped and he picks on them. It takes forever to heal and it drives us crazy. When he gets agitated and upset, he scratches himself. Same story. And no, we cannot put anything on it that cannot be ingested, because he will lick it right off and eat it. End of story.
3) Does he have a power? I still get this question. No, he does not. He has talents. Like many children.
4) Why does he scream all the time? Autistic children scream for many reasons. They don't have the words to express themselves. So they scream. They're in pain or uncomfortable. They want something. They are making noise to drown out all the other ambient noises bombarding their very sensitive ears. They like the way their voice feels when it vibrates their vocal chords as they are screaming. Pick one. Logan screams a lot. We literally can hear him at least a block away, if not more.
5) How do you do it? You must be so stressed! I'm not the only one raising this child. My husband is too, and so is God. Yes, I am stressed. I've also developed a healthy sense of humor and really, really don't pay attention to a lot of normal things that stress other people out.
6) What is he...what...how does he...I mean....? I think this person just wanted to know the whole story behind Logan and wanted me to explain autism in general. If that's the case, start at the beginning of the blog and work your way to here.
7) Does Logan talk? Yes, he does, and his vocabulary is growing every day. I am blessed. Some parents never hear their autistic children utter a word.
8) Would you do anything differently if you knew Logan was going to be autistic? No one's ever asked me this but I'm sure someone will one day. No, I would not. I would do it all over again.
9) How does Logan act around his little sister? For the most part, he ignores her. Sometimes he kisses the top of her head, and sometimes if she makes a loud noise, he mimics her.
10) What can I do to help? How can I learn more? I always appreciate it when people offer help. It's always better to ask what can be done instead of telling us what you are going to do...Logan requires specific things, and behaves specific ways in given situations. Learning more...there are tons of websites on autism. FEAT NT has a great site, and there are many others. Just remember...if you've met one autistic person, then you have met one autistic person. No two are ever alike and each person is in a different spot on the spectrum.
In conclusion, I would just like to say I am all about educating people about autism, and creating awareness. 1 in 150, or less children are considered autistic. It's appalling to me that with so many special needs children out there, people still do not really understand what autism is or how it will affect families and communities. So, I invite you all, dear readers, to ask me questions. Please. Don't be afraid to get answers. Is there something you've wanted to know about autism, or something you've wanted to ask but were afraid someone would get offended? Ask me. I can help you. Message me on Facebook or email your questions to rstogner2003@yahoo.com. Thank you all.
1) He's autistic, isn't he? Yes, he is.
2) What happened to his face? Did he fall off his bike? or, my favorite, usually from old people who can't see well: "Somebody had himself some kool aid!" He didn't drink too much kool aid, he didn't fall off his bike, he doesn't have food caked around his mouth. When Logan gets anxious...and he gets very, very anxious in certain situations, he licks his lips. Around and around and around. Constantly. And his lips become dry and chapped and he picks on them. It takes forever to heal and it drives us crazy. When he gets agitated and upset, he scratches himself. Same story. And no, we cannot put anything on it that cannot be ingested, because he will lick it right off and eat it. End of story.
3) Does he have a power? I still get this question. No, he does not. He has talents. Like many children.
4) Why does he scream all the time? Autistic children scream for many reasons. They don't have the words to express themselves. So they scream. They're in pain or uncomfortable. They want something. They are making noise to drown out all the other ambient noises bombarding their very sensitive ears. They like the way their voice feels when it vibrates their vocal chords as they are screaming. Pick one. Logan screams a lot. We literally can hear him at least a block away, if not more.
5) How do you do it? You must be so stressed! I'm not the only one raising this child. My husband is too, and so is God. Yes, I am stressed. I've also developed a healthy sense of humor and really, really don't pay attention to a lot of normal things that stress other people out.
6) What is he...what...how does he...I mean....? I think this person just wanted to know the whole story behind Logan and wanted me to explain autism in general. If that's the case, start at the beginning of the blog and work your way to here.
7) Does Logan talk? Yes, he does, and his vocabulary is growing every day. I am blessed. Some parents never hear their autistic children utter a word.
8) Would you do anything differently if you knew Logan was going to be autistic? No one's ever asked me this but I'm sure someone will one day. No, I would not. I would do it all over again.
9) How does Logan act around his little sister? For the most part, he ignores her. Sometimes he kisses the top of her head, and sometimes if she makes a loud noise, he mimics her.
10) What can I do to help? How can I learn more? I always appreciate it when people offer help. It's always better to ask what can be done instead of telling us what you are going to do...Logan requires specific things, and behaves specific ways in given situations. Learning more...there are tons of websites on autism. FEAT NT has a great site, and there are many others. Just remember...if you've met one autistic person, then you have met one autistic person. No two are ever alike and each person is in a different spot on the spectrum.
In conclusion, I would just like to say I am all about educating people about autism, and creating awareness. 1 in 150, or less children are considered autistic. It's appalling to me that with so many special needs children out there, people still do not really understand what autism is or how it will affect families and communities. So, I invite you all, dear readers, to ask me questions. Please. Don't be afraid to get answers. Is there something you've wanted to know about autism, or something you've wanted to ask but were afraid someone would get offended? Ask me. I can help you. Message me on Facebook or email your questions to rstogner2003@yahoo.com. Thank you all.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Pants on Fire
Today I took my kids (all four of them) to a place called "Jumpin' Apes". It's basically a giant room filled with inflatable bounce houses. You pay a fee, your kid gets to jump and run and holler and nobody cares. There is also a small arcade there, and when you win enough tickets, you can buy some candy, or a little toy or something. These things are kept in a display case in the middle of the facility.
About an hour after we had been there, Logan walked up to me, his mouth full of chalky green sugary goodness. He said, "I eating it." I said, "Ooookaaaay,"...not sure where the stuff had come from. I thought perhaps his brother had bought him some candy at the concession stand or something like that...but then he walked up to me again with more candy in his mouth. "I eating it. It's yummy." I said, "Logan, where did that come from?" He said, "I got it." I tried again, "Logan, who gave that to you?" A slight hesitation, then, "Sarah gave it to me." And I looked into his beautiful little eyes and thought, This kid is lying! He is lying to me! And I was happy.
Shortly after that the manager came up to me and said that some kids had seen Logan getting into the display case and stealing candy. I explained his condition and offered to pay for the missing candy and she was very kind, and said that wouldn't be necessary, but to keep an eye on him because he was getting in there.
You may question why I was happy that my kid was lying to me. I don't encourage my children to lie about anything, but I also recognize that for the first time, Logan thought far enough ahead that he was able to actually concoct the lie. And this pleased me for the simple fact that it's a developmental marker...at about the age of 4, children begin to fib. They'll fib about things that happen at school. They'll lie about things they did that they weren't supposed to do...they'll story about candy they took that didn't belong to them. It's a normal thing. And even though Logan is eight, soon to be nine, his development is much slower than that of normal children in some ways. So when he lied, it was wrong. But it was normal.
When we got home, I sat down with him and wrapped him up in a blanket, and asked him about what really happened. I said, "Did Sarah give you that candy or did you take it?" And he admitted taking it. I explained that we don't take things that don't belong to us, and that next time, if he wants something, he needs to ask first.
And I hugged him and wondered once again where we would be in eight more years.
About an hour after we had been there, Logan walked up to me, his mouth full of chalky green sugary goodness. He said, "I eating it." I said, "Ooookaaaay,"...not sure where the stuff had come from. I thought perhaps his brother had bought him some candy at the concession stand or something like that...but then he walked up to me again with more candy in his mouth. "I eating it. It's yummy." I said, "Logan, where did that come from?" He said, "I got it." I tried again, "Logan, who gave that to you?" A slight hesitation, then, "Sarah gave it to me." And I looked into his beautiful little eyes and thought, This kid is lying! He is lying to me! And I was happy.
Shortly after that the manager came up to me and said that some kids had seen Logan getting into the display case and stealing candy. I explained his condition and offered to pay for the missing candy and she was very kind, and said that wouldn't be necessary, but to keep an eye on him because he was getting in there.
You may question why I was happy that my kid was lying to me. I don't encourage my children to lie about anything, but I also recognize that for the first time, Logan thought far enough ahead that he was able to actually concoct the lie. And this pleased me for the simple fact that it's a developmental marker...at about the age of 4, children begin to fib. They'll fib about things that happen at school. They'll lie about things they did that they weren't supposed to do...they'll story about candy they took that didn't belong to them. It's a normal thing. And even though Logan is eight, soon to be nine, his development is much slower than that of normal children in some ways. So when he lied, it was wrong. But it was normal.
When we got home, I sat down with him and wrapped him up in a blanket, and asked him about what really happened. I said, "Did Sarah give you that candy or did you take it?" And he admitted taking it. I explained that we don't take things that don't belong to us, and that next time, if he wants something, he needs to ask first.
And I hugged him and wondered once again where we would be in eight more years.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
WHY
Today as I sat in the chapel of our church building, I listened to a friend give a talk about special children. He related the story of his own son...and went on to talk about how he struggled with the question of "why?"
No one plans to have a special needs child...I have said before...unless they adopt one, and then those who do that are a very rare and special breed of people. So when you are faced with the devastating news that your child is not going to be like other children, ever...in fact, your child is going to remain, in a sense, a child, throughout their entire life...the inevitable question that comes to mind is almost always the question of "Why?"
I can't speak for other parents of special children. I can only speak about my own situation. For myself, as we processed the news that Logan was autistic and as it became apparent that he had some severe behavioral and communication challenges, I did ask a lot of "whys". "Why is he like this? Why can't we have a 'normal' child? Why do we have to deal with this? Why can't he get better? Why did God send him to ME? Why are we in this situation?" Followed by: "Did I do this to him? Is it something I did wrong? Did he eat something that affected his brain? Did I not pay enough attention to him as a baby? Was it, in fact, a vaccination that caused this? Did I put too much sunscreen on him?"
Ridiculous theories. I know that, now. But when you're faced with this sort of challenge, you want answers. And here is what I've learned, over the course of eight years, almost nine. As a member of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have a deep and abiding love for my Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, and for my Father in heaven. I know that before I was born upon this earth, into a mortal body, I lived as a spirit with Him. I made the decision, myself, to come to earth, be born to earthly parents, and experience love and hope, anger, sadness, pain, faith, happiness....in the school of mortal life I knew I would get to learn many things through trials that Heavenly Father allowed me to pass through. I also know that I am not alone on this journey. God is there, watching out for me, His daughter, and He is just a prayer away. He knew that I would have Logan. He knew that I was capable of raising this child. What makes it more comforting for me is that LOGAN also made these decisions for himself. He chose to come to earth this way. I look forward to the day when the veil is rent in twain and I can meet my son again in that life, and be reminded of who he really was before he came here. Logan made the same choices I did. And he is not just my son. He belongs to God, and God gave him to me to take care of.
So..as to the question of "why".... why is Logan like this? The physical reason is unanswerable at this time. We still don't know what causes autism. The eternal reason is because he was capable of it. Of living a life with this type of challenge. Perhaps, like my friend's son, he is here to help teach people...to make others aware of differences, of how to treat people who have those differences, and to test us all...how well will we treat Logan and others like him, how well can we relate to them, serve them, love them, reach out to them and their families? As to why I have to go through this and not someone else...everyone does have trials. Some appear to be greater than others...in fact, I had another mom with a child on the spectrum tell me that my situation was harder to deal with than hers. How could she know? I think she understands. But I would love to tell her that just because someone else seems worse off than you, does not in any way minimize or make less the challenges that you are facing. What is difficult and overwhelming for one person is cake for another. It just depends on who you are.
In the end I've decided that ultimately the answer to the question "why" doesn't matter. It doesn't change Logan, and it will not make a difference to me...and if I asked God why, I think He would answer, Because I love you, and one day, in this life or the next, you will have all the answers.
No one plans to have a special needs child...I have said before...unless they adopt one, and then those who do that are a very rare and special breed of people. So when you are faced with the devastating news that your child is not going to be like other children, ever...in fact, your child is going to remain, in a sense, a child, throughout their entire life...the inevitable question that comes to mind is almost always the question of "Why?"
I can't speak for other parents of special children. I can only speak about my own situation. For myself, as we processed the news that Logan was autistic and as it became apparent that he had some severe behavioral and communication challenges, I did ask a lot of "whys". "Why is he like this? Why can't we have a 'normal' child? Why do we have to deal with this? Why can't he get better? Why did God send him to ME? Why are we in this situation?" Followed by: "Did I do this to him? Is it something I did wrong? Did he eat something that affected his brain? Did I not pay enough attention to him as a baby? Was it, in fact, a vaccination that caused this? Did I put too much sunscreen on him?"
Ridiculous theories. I know that, now. But when you're faced with this sort of challenge, you want answers. And here is what I've learned, over the course of eight years, almost nine. As a member of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have a deep and abiding love for my Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, and for my Father in heaven. I know that before I was born upon this earth, into a mortal body, I lived as a spirit with Him. I made the decision, myself, to come to earth, be born to earthly parents, and experience love and hope, anger, sadness, pain, faith, happiness....in the school of mortal life I knew I would get to learn many things through trials that Heavenly Father allowed me to pass through. I also know that I am not alone on this journey. God is there, watching out for me, His daughter, and He is just a prayer away. He knew that I would have Logan. He knew that I was capable of raising this child. What makes it more comforting for me is that LOGAN also made these decisions for himself. He chose to come to earth this way. I look forward to the day when the veil is rent in twain and I can meet my son again in that life, and be reminded of who he really was before he came here. Logan made the same choices I did. And he is not just my son. He belongs to God, and God gave him to me to take care of.
So..as to the question of "why".... why is Logan like this? The physical reason is unanswerable at this time. We still don't know what causes autism. The eternal reason is because he was capable of it. Of living a life with this type of challenge. Perhaps, like my friend's son, he is here to help teach people...to make others aware of differences, of how to treat people who have those differences, and to test us all...how well will we treat Logan and others like him, how well can we relate to them, serve them, love them, reach out to them and their families? As to why I have to go through this and not someone else...everyone does have trials. Some appear to be greater than others...in fact, I had another mom with a child on the spectrum tell me that my situation was harder to deal with than hers. How could she know? I think she understands. But I would love to tell her that just because someone else seems worse off than you, does not in any way minimize or make less the challenges that you are facing. What is difficult and overwhelming for one person is cake for another. It just depends on who you are.
In the end I've decided that ultimately the answer to the question "why" doesn't matter. It doesn't change Logan, and it will not make a difference to me...and if I asked God why, I think He would answer, Because I love you, and one day, in this life or the next, you will have all the answers.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Three Things
My husband has a little phrase he used to say..."You go into marriage with both eyes open, then you go through marriage with one eye closed."
Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder, or just raising children...it can take a toll on marriage. The usual challenges are there...exhaustion, lack of time, inability to focus on your spouse because your offspring require so much attention, not being able to carry on a conversation because of constant interruptions, the changes you go through as you become a parent and raise children. You grow in one direction and your spouse may grow in another. Sometimes you won't be on the same page. Sometimes you will feel that your spouse has no understanding of how you feel on any given day. You will feel unappreciated by said spouse. Some days you will barely look at each other, or you'll be so tired all you can do is grunt. With an autistic child, these challenges are multiplied by (pick a number higher than 100). It doesn't matter how much more, really...just know that it is much, much more difficult to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a disabled child. Does that make any marital problems you experience the fault of those children, disabled or no? No, it does not. It's just part of the territory.
So what is the best thing you can do for your marriage, in the midst of child rearing, baby wrangling, or dealing with ASD in one of your children?
Stop keeping score.
Stop tallying up all of the minute things your spouse did wrong. Stop keeping track of the things they do that you don't think are quite right. Did you take out the trash five times and they didn't lift a finger? Forgive them. Did you run the kids back and forth to school while they slept in? Let them sleep. Did they forget something that caused you to have to do extra work or run an extra errand? Fuhgettaboutit.
Let the little things go, because for every little thing they let slide, or don't do the way you think they need to, I promise you, so have you.
So you're going to try to stop keeping score. That's wonderful. It takes away stress. A marriage should be a place where you feel safe. Safe to vent your feelings in a reasonable manner. Safe to express your opinions without someone slapping you down. Safe to have a bad day and know that even if you did have a bad day or you weren't your best self, the person you're married to still loves you anyway. So what's the next thing you can do?
Stop carrying heavy things.
What are heavy things? Heavy things are grudges. Things like, Twenty years ago, you forgot to pick me up on this date, and you left me waiting at such and such place...or Five years ago, you embarrassed me in front of my boss...or You forgot our anniversary. Again. Don't dig up old crap and serve it to your honey for breakfast. Old stuff is old stuff...stop renewing it. Every time you bring it up, you reopen an old wound, you add fuel to a fire...you damage your relationship. Let stuff go. There is a little quote that I love. It says, "Eternity is made of nows." So, someone screwed up, maybe badly...fine. Did you talk about it? Did you try to resolve it? Have they tried to fix it? Have you? If the answer is yes, move on, and focus on NOW. What are you doing NOW to get closer to your sweetheart, what are you doing NOW to help them understand that yes, you still love them, you are still there for them, and you always will be?
And the last thing. Perhaps one of the most important things.
Don't assume.
Sometimes if you've been married for a while, you assume that your spouse knows you so well that they can just read your mind, or that they understand you enough to know what you mean, blah blah blah. Don't assume that your honey knows that you love them. Well, I'm here, aren't I? Well, of course I love you, don't you know that? Why do I have to say that? People ALWAYS need to hear "I love you". They always need to feel it, they always need to know it. Find ways to let them know. And if something is on your mind, don't assume your spouse gets you well enough to know what it is. Women are bad about this. The man will say, "What's wrong?" and the woman will say, "Nothing", then get mad because the man doesn't just understand what pissed her off in the first place. I mean, to us women, it's so obvious, right? It's so obvious, sometimes we can't believe the man doesn't just smack into it, it's staring us right in the face, so it must be staring him in the face too, right? NO! It doesn't work like that. Go to the person you love. Sit down with them. Pick a time when things are calm and free of distraction, and say, "Something's on my mind and I want to talk with you about it." Notice I said "talk with you" not "talk at you". That's a key difference.
I just want to end this particular entry by saying how grateful I am for my own husband. I am under no illusions...the stress of raising an autistic child is not exclusive to just me. He lifts a lot of that burden. He provides a calming influence for our children, and for myself. His sense of humor has provided relief for me on more times than I can count. And his compassion for me, and for our children, has sometimes just melted my heart. I'm grateful for him, I love him, and I'm thankful that he keeps one eye closed.
Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder, or just raising children...it can take a toll on marriage. The usual challenges are there...exhaustion, lack of time, inability to focus on your spouse because your offspring require so much attention, not being able to carry on a conversation because of constant interruptions, the changes you go through as you become a parent and raise children. You grow in one direction and your spouse may grow in another. Sometimes you won't be on the same page. Sometimes you will feel that your spouse has no understanding of how you feel on any given day. You will feel unappreciated by said spouse. Some days you will barely look at each other, or you'll be so tired all you can do is grunt. With an autistic child, these challenges are multiplied by (pick a number higher than 100). It doesn't matter how much more, really...just know that it is much, much more difficult to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a disabled child. Does that make any marital problems you experience the fault of those children, disabled or no? No, it does not. It's just part of the territory.
So what is the best thing you can do for your marriage, in the midst of child rearing, baby wrangling, or dealing with ASD in one of your children?
Stop keeping score.
Stop tallying up all of the minute things your spouse did wrong. Stop keeping track of the things they do that you don't think are quite right. Did you take out the trash five times and they didn't lift a finger? Forgive them. Did you run the kids back and forth to school while they slept in? Let them sleep. Did they forget something that caused you to have to do extra work or run an extra errand? Fuhgettaboutit.
Let the little things go, because for every little thing they let slide, or don't do the way you think they need to, I promise you, so have you.
So you're going to try to stop keeping score. That's wonderful. It takes away stress. A marriage should be a place where you feel safe. Safe to vent your feelings in a reasonable manner. Safe to express your opinions without someone slapping you down. Safe to have a bad day and know that even if you did have a bad day or you weren't your best self, the person you're married to still loves you anyway. So what's the next thing you can do?
Stop carrying heavy things.
What are heavy things? Heavy things are grudges. Things like, Twenty years ago, you forgot to pick me up on this date, and you left me waiting at such and such place...or Five years ago, you embarrassed me in front of my boss...or You forgot our anniversary. Again. Don't dig up old crap and serve it to your honey for breakfast. Old stuff is old stuff...stop renewing it. Every time you bring it up, you reopen an old wound, you add fuel to a fire...you damage your relationship. Let stuff go. There is a little quote that I love. It says, "Eternity is made of nows." So, someone screwed up, maybe badly...fine. Did you talk about it? Did you try to resolve it? Have they tried to fix it? Have you? If the answer is yes, move on, and focus on NOW. What are you doing NOW to get closer to your sweetheart, what are you doing NOW to help them understand that yes, you still love them, you are still there for them, and you always will be?
And the last thing. Perhaps one of the most important things.
Don't assume.
Sometimes if you've been married for a while, you assume that your spouse knows you so well that they can just read your mind, or that they understand you enough to know what you mean, blah blah blah. Don't assume that your honey knows that you love them. Well, I'm here, aren't I? Well, of course I love you, don't you know that? Why do I have to say that? People ALWAYS need to hear "I love you". They always need to feel it, they always need to know it. Find ways to let them know. And if something is on your mind, don't assume your spouse gets you well enough to know what it is. Women are bad about this. The man will say, "What's wrong?" and the woman will say, "Nothing", then get mad because the man doesn't just understand what pissed her off in the first place. I mean, to us women, it's so obvious, right? It's so obvious, sometimes we can't believe the man doesn't just smack into it, it's staring us right in the face, so it must be staring him in the face too, right? NO! It doesn't work like that. Go to the person you love. Sit down with them. Pick a time when things are calm and free of distraction, and say, "Something's on my mind and I want to talk with you about it." Notice I said "talk with you" not "talk at you". That's a key difference.
I just want to end this particular entry by saying how grateful I am for my own husband. I am under no illusions...the stress of raising an autistic child is not exclusive to just me. He lifts a lot of that burden. He provides a calming influence for our children, and for myself. His sense of humor has provided relief for me on more times than I can count. And his compassion for me, and for our children, has sometimes just melted my heart. I'm grateful for him, I love him, and I'm thankful that he keeps one eye closed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)