Bobo Dolls and Cumberbabes

(image from collider.com, Marvel, Dr. Strange)

The fam and I went to the theater tonight to see Marvel's Dr. Strange.  Since this is opening weekend, I won't give any spoilers or tell you anything, except that I loved it, I love Benedict Cumberbabe, and I want a cape too.  That's all.

Tomorrow begins a new week.  I have a major research proposal behind me, and now I actually have to do the experiments.

A lot of people are surprised when they are told that psychology is a science.  The general populace doesn't think of it that way. They think of it as laying on a couch, talking to some old man who murmurs, "Mmm hmm, I see" and writes in a notebook.  But it's not like that.

Research psychology is important.  A lot of research is conducted concerning memory, cognitive processing, learning, and social interaction, for example.  And by social interaction, I will give you this classic example:

Albert Bandura, a behaviorist psychologist who was born in 1925 and conducted some of his most famous work during the 60s and 70s, is probably best known for what we call his "Bobo Doll Experiment". The theory was that children learn behavior through modeling.  In other words, they learn by watching what someone, usually an adult, does.  In this experiment, a group of children watched an adult model behave in aggressive manner towards a Bobo doll.  (A Bobo doll was a tall punching bag that looked like a clown and would pop back up after you hit it).  A second group observed an adult model come into the room with the doll and ignore the doll while playing quietly.  A third group of children was the control group and they weren't exposed to any behaviors.

Can you guess which group of children behaved aggressively towards the Bobo doll? 

Yes. The group that observed the adult doing it.  This became what Bandura called "social learning theory".  I saw this in action at the park the other day.  My daughter had a picnic with her classmates, and the children were given brownies wrapped in Seran wrap.  At first, all the children unwrapped their brownies and kept the wrappers on the picnic table.  Then, one child made a noise and thumped the wrapper across the table and onto the ground.  Soon, all of them were doing it.

The closest and best role models that children have are their parents.  If you think your kid isn't watching you, think again.  Children notice everything.

Another aspect of psychology is the human side of it.  Yes, the research is very important. But a lot of us are in it just because we want to understand and help.  We want to ease suffering.  It's how we're made. 

I could go on forever on this topic.  There are many sub-disciplines in psychology, just like in medicine, and particular types of therapy that work best for particular types of mental disorders. 

I wonder, when I graduate and I finally get my counselling license (which is at least two more years away), will they let me wear a cape?  ;)

psych probs

After the research proposal I finally finished today...yeah...someone hug me. Please.

 Total bucket list item.

Happy Halloween, y'all!  This is my favorite holiday, besides Christmas! I'll never forget the year my mom said I could dress up like Wonder Woman.  I was so excited!  I was in 3rd grade, maybe?  Second?  And I was mad when I saw the costume because it was just a little jumpsuit you pulled on.  There was no magical lasso or bustier.  Oh, well.  The excuse was, It's too cold outside for a bustier.  

Anyhow, here I am with my own little hooligan, about to go around our wonderful neighborhood in search of candy.  It's the beginning of the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.  Everything good comes starting today.  To paraphrase Logan, After Halloween, can eat Thanksgiving!

A Clarification

Someone asked me a question this evening regarding my quote about narcissism, so I will just put this out there.

I am a psychology student, so part of what I do is study various disorders.  In particular, abnormal psychology is fascinating to me, because it involves such varied disorders that we still don't know as much about as we could.

The quote regarding triangulation particularly hit home for me because it's personal.  I have been in a relationship before where this was done, and where I felt abandoned, and felt like I needed to constantly seek reassurance.  It was, to be blunt, a nightmare, and I thought that if I suffered enough, I would "earn" what I wanted, which was approval, affection, acceptance, time, whatever.  But in a real relationship, if someone really loves you, none of these things should be contingent on suffering.  These things are supposed to be freely given.  If someone really loves you.

The problem with narcissism, or any personality disorder, is that it can only be diagnosed by a professional psychologist or psychiatrist.  So, while that particular quote was not meant to diagnose anyone, it was meant to say, hey, this hits close to home.  It's actually very dangerous to assume that someone has a disorder like this, because there are so many other things that these kinds of behaviors can be ascribed to.  However, in the course of my reading I've come to understand this:  If you are a narcissist, then you know you are, you think you are the cat's pajamas, and us poor unfortunate souls just haven't become as enlightened about your grand and awesome persona as you are. You also know that you're arrogant and you don't care.

Sometimes it can take someone years to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.  I'm one of those people.  And I know I'm not the only one.  You can waste years, or decades, trying to please someone or keep them in your life, worrying that saying the wrong thing or speaking your mind about your very justifiable feelings will mess things up, but if you have to worry about any of this stuff, then trust me, that person is not for you. What I've learned is that love is not made of anger, rejection, manipulation, or possession. It's not selfish or greedy. Love thinks of the other person first.  Love really is kind and all-encompassing, love is forgiving, and above all else, love allows you to be yourself and express your pain, your sorrows, your hopes, and your dreams. Sometimes, we make terrible mistakes, and we hurt the people we love most.  You can't go back and undo it.  You can, however, forgive yourself, and choose not to be the person you were. It's very easy to look at the people closest to you in life and blame them for your own behaviors.  I'm guilty of this. A lot of people do this. But no one owns your behavior, or your choices, but yourself, and that is a hard truth that not everyone can face.

See Texas Penal Code 42.07

About a month ago, a man sent me a friend request on Facebook. I had never seen nor heard of this man before and we had no "friends" in common. I sent a quick message:  "Do we know each other?"

At the time, my real estate license was still active.  I thought perhaps someone had referred him, or it was a mistake.

His response was, No, darling, but I want to be friends with you.

I said, hey, I'm married, I don't know you, sorry.  And he apologized and that was the end of it.

I thought.

Last night around 330am, this man (more than a month later), sent a very obscene message to me.  I responded by blocking him completely, making my husband aware of it, and reporting him to Facebook.

I still feel upset. And kind of scared, because he waited a month before contacting me again, which means he's been somewhere, thinking of me, thinking of doing this, which makes me even more angry. I know that there are a lot of sick people out there, unbalanced people, people who think that it's okay to cross boundaries and completely ignore the requests of women who ask to be left alone.  Sometimes, people want what they want, and they don't care who they hurt or what rules get broken in order to get it.

But it makes me angry.  To be ignored, to have my feelings run over, to be treated like an amusement or source of entertainment.  And I am only one of thousands of women who have to put up with this.  We all have to.  The stupid comments, the innuendos, the jokes, remarks about our figures, the unwanted gestures and come-ons.  And if we go beyond polite to forceful in standing up for ourselves, guess what?  Suddenly, we are cold, we are bitches, we won't "play".  Some men don't handle rejection well, and some lack the simple understanding that women are also people, and that we like to be treated in a civil, respectful manner just as much as our male counterparts.  It's not even about being a female.  It's about wanting to be respected as a person.

But too many men either don't understand this or don't think it's important, and they continue to do what the man last night did to me: cross boundaries, create uncomfortable and scary situations, and remind us that being a woman in today's world is still fraught with complications created by those who should be standing next to us and enforcing social niceties that seem to have gone the way of the dodo.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of good, decent men out there. I am married to one of them.  But my experience reminds me that not all men are created equal.  So what would I tell this man, or any man, who thinks that these kinds of actions are fun, or entertaining?

First of all, that you could be breaking the law. See Texas Penal Code 42.07.  

That you're not funny, or cute, and that purposely annoying a woman, doing things she's asked you not to do, making obscene suggestions, even in jest, is the quickest way to get on that woman's shit list.  Especially if that woman is me.

No means NO.  Even if the woman said yes in the past, she's still allowed to say no later. End of story.

If a woman says, don't text me, don't call me, don't whatever is making her uncomfortable, do the right thing, put your personal feelings aside, and listen to what she's asking.  Ignoring her requests becomes annoying, then it becomes harassment.  And you don't want to go there.

  

"Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things." - (Saeed, Kim, 02 July 2016, "Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times)

Interesting.